Do you struggle with self-compassion?

I know I do sometimes.

As mothers, we are often told to ‘be kinder’ to ourselves. It sounds so simple. But the reality is, we are mothering in a society where self-criticism is believed to be the ultimate motivator of productivity and change.

We are also mothering in a context where mothering itself is so heavily scrutinised. Thanks to social media, we are subjected to an abundance of information and the dissection of our every parenting decision by strangers who reinforce what we innately know and strive against: that it doesn’t take much to be considered a ‘bad mum’.

In this context it’s easy to see why so many of us resist, or struggle with, this notion of self-compassion. How can we believe in self-compassion, let alone practice it, when compassion has never truly been modelled?

Dr Kristen Neff is a pioneer in the study of self-compassion and co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. As she says, “Most people don’t have any problem with seeing compassion as a thoroughly commendable quality. It seems to refer to an amalgam of unquestionably good qualities… But we seem less sure about self-compassion. For many, it carries the whiff of all those other bad “self” terms: self-pity, self-serving, self-indulgent, self-centred, just plain selfish.”

“Many people in our culture have misgivings about the idea of self-compassion, perhaps because they don’t really know what it looks like, much less how to practice it.”

These misgivings, or myths, about self-compassion also keep us trapped in self-critical patterns - the last thing mothers need. So what exactly are these myths and misgivings holding us back?

What exactly are the myths and misgivings about self-compassion?

“Self-compassion is a form of self-pity”

Believe it or not, self-compassion is actually an antidote to self-pity.

Research shows you’re less likely to be consumed by self-pitying thoughts if you practice self-compassion and it actually increases perspective-taking and connection to others.

“Self-compassion means weakness”

Wrong again!

Self-compassion is actually one of the most powerful sources of resilience and coping with research showing that those who practice self-compassion are better able to deal with stressful situations.

“Self-compassion makes me complacent”

It might surprise you to know that research shows self-compassion to be a more effective motivator than self-punishment and self-criticism.

In fact, according to Dr Neff “self-compassion engenders a learning and growth orientation that improves performance.” Mind-blowing!

“Self-compassion is narcissistic”

On the contrary, self-compassion acknowledges that we share the human condition of imperfection, and is a way to relate to others with empathy.

It is far from narcissistic.

“Self-compassion is selfish”

Perhaps unexpectedly, being good to yourself actually helps you be good to others.

In Dr Neff’s words, “Research shows that self-compassionate people are more giving and supportive to others in relationships. Professional and family caregivers are more able to care for others without becoming drained and burned out.”

So why does self-compassion matter, especially for mothers?

As mothers, we are almost always weighed down by a nagging feeling of not enough-ness, as though we should always be doing more and being more, chasing a level of perfection that is non-existent, let alone unattainable.

I speak for myself, and likely for many other mothers, when I say I doubt the quality of my mothering at least once on a daily basis. Is it ever enough? Am I ever enough?

This pressure of ‘more’ as a parent, to do more, and to be more, is all-consuming, demoralising, and frankly it’s downright exhausting. More than anything, it’s unsustainable.

This is where self-compassion comes in.

It’s not just an antidote to the unrelenting pressure of perfectionism and constant scrutiny of mothering in our modern world. Practicing self-compassion is actually essential for our emotional wellbeing.

In fact, as Dr Neff states, “a growing body of research literature is demonstrating conclusively that self-compassion is not only central to mental health, but can be enriched through learning and practice, just like so many other good habits. Therapists have known for a long time that being kind to ourselves isn’t—as is too often believed—a selfish luxury, but the exercise of a gift that makes us happier. Now, finally, science is proving the point.”

It’s time to challenge the myths about self-compassion.

It’s time to embrace our common humanity in motherhood.

And it’s time to see ourselves as worthy of kindness - not just when or if we achieve, but just because.

Do you hold onto any of these myths that keep you trapped in self-critical or self-punishing patterns?

SOURCES

Kristin Neff, PhD. “The 5 Myths of Self-Compassion: What Keeps Us from Being Kinder to Ourselves?” Psychotherapy Networker, 2015.

Kristin Neff, PhD. “What is Self-Compassion?” Self-Compassion.org, 2024.