Catch up on part 1 of Ariane’s story in episode 35

For over a year, Ariane hid the true severity of her symptoms and tried so hard to portray a choreographed image of the good, responsive mother who kept it all together. Motherhood was the performance of her life… until it wasn't.

The stage makeup and sparkles fell away when her symptoms escalated and she had to be admitted to a general psychiatric hospital. Ariane had to finally step out of the spotlight and allow her psychiatrist to take the lead, but this is when she was able to recover.

In this episode we discuss all the facets of Ariane’s recovery: medication, diagnosis, psychodynamic therapy with her psychiatrist, a hospital admission, art therapy, dancing, embracing the mundanity of recovery, and finding purpose through writing, advocating via the Centre of Perinatal Excellence (COPE), teaching ballet, and publishing her new novel, Because I’m Not Myself, You See.

Part story, part book review, part in-depth discussion about the current state of perinatal mental health and advocacy, and part amused ramblings from two MBU graduates, this is part two of Ariane’s story. Buckle up, it’s going to be quite the ride.

After seeing the GP, trying medication, and visiting a psychologist, Ariane needed more intensive support. This is when she was admitted to the mother-and-baby psychiatric hospital (MBU) although, as she admits, she was still performing and hiding her symptoms due to the stigma and shame.

“I feel like I've softened over the years towards my experience, and I think I didn't love it because I felt that I didn't need to be in there, that I wasn't as unwell as everybody else, that I was taking up a bed that perhaps someone else could have used.”

“I did feel incredible shame about being a mental health professional on that ward.”

“And I think I struggled with some of the groups. Not that it's difficult because, I mean, a lot of it was really useful CBT strategies and mindfulness and so on, and look, I knew it on an intellectual level but it doesn't mean that I was doing it.”

“We were, I think from memory, talking about the Circle of Security (CoS), which I love and which comes through the book. But I just had this moment of I used to be doing this work with foster carers. This was something I was using in my practise. And I'm in a room now where someone's talking us through the Circle of Security, which is this beautiful model of how we relate to our caregiver. But yeah, they were just all of these things that just made me feel like I was just not in the right place.”

“And I did settle in. I settled in because I met an amazing woman in there who I'm still very friendly with. And I think that really helped. And I think I just settled into being in that bubble, having the safety to recover in that bubble away from the world, away from responsibilities, away from cooking or not cooking and washing and all of that stuff.”

“Art therapy as well. I was so dreading art therapy! One of the things I was dreading the most was having to do art therapy. It was such a fear of mine. I'm saying to Robb, ‘if they make me do art therapy, I'm leaving. I'm out of there. I'm out!’”

“I just remember sitting in that art therapy room and It's just this lovely woman saying, ‘there's paints and pencils and colouring books and just you do you, do whatever you want.’ I must have just been such an intellectual asshole. What is this? What is this art therapy business? Is this evidence-based? Not that I said that, but I was thinking it. I'm sure my expressions and my body language did. And honestly, what a jerk. I was such a jerk!”

“I'd always be more comfortable with words and writing. I remember just cutting up words out of magazines that were in there and making this collage of just these words, it must have just looked like a giant ransom note. It's crazy ‘Mum’, ‘bundle of joy,’ just all of these words. I still have it.”

“The funny thing was I had been so against it. I remember my friend in the book, the one particular time that we were supposed to do it together and she was called out to go her psychiatrist at the last moment. And so I was doing my ransom note in the class by myself. And then later on, I texted her from my room and I'd gone down to the news agent, bought some trashy mags and some glue. And I was sitting there, I was finishing it. I sent her a message and she's like, ‘well, would you look at that?!’ I was like, ‘well, I have to finish it now.’”

“So, yeah, things that now make me laugh and I certainly wouldn't have been so rigid about. But everything just reminded me that I was just, yeah, I was failing, that I shouldn't have been there, that I couldn't believe that I had ended up there, that I'd let things get so bad. And that I was on the other side! I really, really struggled with the shame of that.”

“And from the experience of being questioned and given those measures, the EPDS (Edinburgh Depression Scale), and Anxiety Stress Scale, and doing those and knowing as well what I was filling out. And I think I'd been in there almost three weeks when I decided it was time for me to graduate. I was done. So I filled out my forms and made sure I ticked all the right boxes to give me a low score and got my referral to Dr. Q. And yeah, I was discharged. And that was that.”

“So the score that I went in with, and I obviously was honest, was reasonably high. It was a severe depression. And then the score that I went out with was pretty good… It was so stark looking at these numbers and just going, well, I can see what's going on here!”

“And when I talked it through with Dr. Q, we have such a robust relationship now where she can really challenge me on those things, and she said, ‘well, what were they going to do? They weren't going to make you stay. I mean, they couldn't have made you stay. And you didn't want to be in there. You wanted to go!’”

“She was right. I really didn't want to be in there and really it was working with her beyond that, finding the right medication, the right diagnosis, changed everything for me.”

“So I think, yeah, on some level, I felt like I was still able to fly under the radar in the MBU there. And yeah, I needed to be out. I needed to be on my own with someone who could look directly at me and call me on my bullshit, which she does regularly. And I love her for that because very few people can and can get away with it.”

“May we all find someone who is able to call us out on our bullshit and able to pull us up and challenge us because we don't break those patterns otherwise, we just continue to make the same mistakes or continue to do the same things.”

“Yeah, reading the discharge summary was enlightening because I do remember there was one line in there that stuck out and it was something along the lines of ‘she found it difficult to be honest or difficult to speak up because of being a mental health professional.’ I was like, oh, that was interesting that that had obviously been identified… whether it's something that I had said or whether it's something that they had interpreted.”

“One thing I really, really struggled with was the filming. We've talked about this before. So they do that mother-baby film, someone comes in and films your interaction, which on paper I was like, ‘yes, totally get it. It's a good exercise to do.’ And for a lot of people, it helps to point out how you can be more responsive to your baby or helping you if you are struggling to bond. But for me, I thought, well, I know what's going on here. I used to do this! Part of my job was to observe those contact visits or those interactions. And so, yeah, being the one who is being observed instead of being the observer was really, really tough.”

“So I really struggled with the shame, the shame of that.”

“And also I think I had gone in there self-reporting all of these attachment issues, ‘I feel like I'm not bonding with him’. And they watched us in that interaction as much as I hated it, I got top marks. The thing about the MBU is that, I don't say this to sound creepy, but they're watching you the whole time. They're observing you, I should say, the whole time. So that moment where I might have been on stage, I had my performance makeup on and my sparkles and all of that. That was one snapshot in time of a much bigger picture. And their assessment was, ‘well, no, he's attached. There's a beautiful attachment. He's so securely attached. You're very much seeing something that's not there.’ That was actually probably the most comforting part of the stay, just to come away and think, well, no, we are developing that bond. He is securely attached to me. I have done something right.”

After being discharged, the MBU provided Ariane with a referral to see a new psychiatrist which led her to Dr. Q. “I was referred to a practise, and I was actually referred to a male clinician. At the time the hospital said, ‘We think he'll be great to do CBT work with you and some attachment-based work.’”

“When I went back to my GP, he phoned the clinic and they said, ‘Oh, actually, we've got this other clinician who I think would be actually a better fit. How about we try that?’ The rest is history! I got lucky. I got really, really lucky.”

“I don't know if it's okay to say this, but I didn't want another man, I wanted a woman. And that's not uncommon, I think, for a lot of us in the perinatal period. Yeah, a lot of us prefer, for whatever reason, a female clinician.”

“So yes, the MBU referred me to this clinic. It was just local to me. And the thing was, too, the work that Dr. Q does is more of that psychodynamic rather than CBT. I didn't want CBT. That just wasn't going to cut it for me in that particular context. It's very effective for some things, but I felt that I needed someone who was going to do that dynamic stuff. And that's exactly what I got.”

“So I was really, really, really lucky. So yes, I definitely credit the MBU for that referral.”

Unfortunately, for Ariane, her symptoms of psychosis, or psychotic depression, increased at this point, from hallucinations, delusions, and eventually hypomania.

”It was definitely the hallucination, so seeing him as a dragon. The book begins where I am trying to get back to work. I was obviously just so stressed and not well. It was... It appeared to me as this really scary red dragon, one that I hadn't seen before. It was a different feeling.”

“This particular dragon, this time, he was red and he was angry and he was scary. And so that's the symptoms, I suppose. I had come off medication by this point as well. So had to go back on medication at that point.”

“I wasn't experiencing the delusions around removal by that point, but I had this strange, weird fear around UV rays and that the UV rays were out to get me and Henry. And so I became really scared to leave the house because I thought that the UV rays were just fixated on us and we're going get us and that he was going to be burnt and that I would be judged an unfit mother again. So it was like the nappy rush had gone and it was replaced by this weird delusion, fear, anxiety, whatever you want to call it. I couldn't leave the house unless the UV ray or thing on my phone that I downloaded was under a particular level. So that was the main symptoms at that point.”

“The hypomania was, I almost feel like that was more part of the recovery. It's funny when I think about the illness and then I think about the recovery, and the hypomania came later. And I don't know whether it was related to the medication changes or whether it was just part of the illness itself. But there were these periods that would just be punctuated by this intense… It's actually a really nice feeling, which is a lot. People will describe that everything is brighter, music sounds better. You actually feel physically more attractive. There's a buzz, you're funnier, your jokes flow, you're witty.”

“And what my husband describes it as, it was different because I’d have these periods and it was so different to what the depression and the illness was. And it looked like it was just me getting better and not an aspect of this illness as well.”

There’s a particular moment that encapsulates the hypomania which Ariane describes in vivid detail, involving a leaf.

“I was in the park and I was across the road waiting to see Dr. Q. I was always early…. So it was across the road. I had my book. I was just starting to be able to read again. I had really lost the ability to read. And yeah, and I see this, this leaf, and it was just the most beautiful, incredible leaf that I'd ever seen. And it was green. It was just the most perfect shape.”

“And I got my phone, I was taking pictures of it, and I sent it to Robb. Like, ‘is this just not the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?’ He's like, ‘It’s lovely. It was a leaf. But yeah, it's great.’ And I'm like, ‘No! Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?’ And it's like, ‘Sure. No. It's great. Show me when you get home.’”

“Then I go across the road to Dr. Q, and I'm running, and I've got this leaf… I'm running. I'm running across the road. And she was surprised that I was late, too, because it was so unusual. And I was like, ‘Yeah, because I found this leaf.’ And I was like, ‘Look at it. Look at it.’ And she goes, ‘You're a little elevated today, aren't you?’”

“Then I must have put it in this book. And then recently I opened I opened this and I was like, ‘Oh, my God. It's the leaf!’ I took it out and I was like, I said to Robb, ‘You're right. It wasn't that great, was it?’ … It was crispy. It was like an autumn It's an autumn brown leaf… It was just this crispy leaf, and it wasn't at all objectively proportionate or perfect or anything.”

“What I love about that anecdote is just that it shows how it's just this joy. You notice things and that was just this particular thing that I then noticed it. And I showed Robb and Dr. Q, and it was just that they saw that because I think what's difficult, you have to self-report this stuff a lot… But for her, it was like, I'm actually seeing this in real-time in the room.”

“Because that's the thing: people talk about the depressive symptoms. But you don't think to go, ‘I had a really great day last week and I saw this spider web and it was glistening with raindrops’ and you just don't share that!”

“Hypomania tends to just last three or four days and then you tend to crash. And the crash is just, I mean, it's just a depressive crash. But the high is not as high as a manic high. So it was, you can imagine, it's just a confusing time and trying to, again, navigate this while trying different medications and still trying to get enough sleep with a toddler at this point and just feeling like, recovery and health just was so far away. It's just, ‘when am I going to start to feel better? When is this not going to be so hard?’”

“I think one thing that I found so interesting and continue to find so interesting is the diagnostic issues around postpartum psychosis… for those who aren't aware, postpartum psychosis doesn't appear in the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders].”

“So women who receive a diagnosis of postpartum psychosis, it's an umbrella term for a lot of different things. So women that I've met along the way and who are part of the community have been given all kinds of diagnosis, like psychotic depression, postpartum bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, and/or a manic episode postpartum. And so what I think that means is that it's really difficult to find your people. And it's really difficult to find your community if there are all of these different diagnoses that come under that umbrella.”

“I think it's definitely beneficial for women to have a clear idea of what's going on and where that sits, because it means that you can actually be linked into those forums and those communities and so on. There are certainly situations, I think, where the diagnostic stuff is really important.”

“But when it comes to women and a consumer and someone who's actually experienced it or their loved ones, a diagnosis isn't so important. It's about making sure that people get the right care and that they're treated appropriately. And I think that's the key thing. And as you said, some people find being given a diagnosis is incredibly powerful and it's like being given a blueprint for recovery and a way forward. And validation. So, yeah, I think it's important in terms of making sure that people receive the right care, that it's treated in the way that it is an emergency, that it's treated in the way that it should be, that people are able to find their community and they're not still experiencing confusion around what they experience.”

“It's something that I find really interesting… everybody has a different view around diagnosis. I think it's really important to be mindful of that.”

After leaving the MBU, Ariane was still hiding her symptoms of psychosis and tried desperately to return to work. Unfortunately, this led to another admission, this time to a general psychiatric ward.

“So that stay helped to shore up some of the medication changes as well and just got me in a position where it was clear that I really needed some more intensive work.”

“And that, yeah, that diagnosis, retrospectively by then, very much matched my experience and that it was just unfortunately difficult to pick up. And that's why it had taken so long.”

“At that point, he was or getting closer to 18 months. And I was still deeply unwell. And seeing friends who had been in the MBU and they seem to be getting on with their lives and feeling much stronger and going back to work and doing all of these things. And I just wasn't. And that was difficult to watch, watching all my friends, my fellow MBU graduates, recovering and getting better. And I just wasn't. And I was still the anomaly. I was still there. I was still the one patient who was never going to get well.”

“I was admitted and Robb came with me, Henry must have been at daycare, so they hadn't seen him. And I was set up and I went straight to bed. And I was still wearing my clothes, but I just got into bed. And one of the nurses knocked on the door and she looked at me and she said, ‘You don't have to go to bed.’ And I said, ‘I know, but I just I'm really sleep-deprived. I'm here to get some rest. I have a baby, I'm not sleeping much.’ And she's like, ‘oh right, you're the mother.’ Yeah. And like I said before, it was a very strange experience.”

“It was very different with men who were much older. And I just didn't feel particularly safe and comfortable. And it was a general program, too. So it wasn't as specific and designed as it was in the MBU. I needed the brief medication review and a bit of a reprieve. But, yeah, it definitely wasn't a program that I was going to stay very long.”

“So I think it just continued to consolidate just how bad things were or it had become and that I really needed that intensive medication, also that intensive psychotherapy as well as that holding and containing.”

“In this space, it's not often about going deep into your childhood, your issues and so on, because you can't do that when you're depressed. You just can't because you can't access those emotions and those memories. Objectively, when you're seeing it through that lens, it's like looking through your past with glass that's covered in mud.”

“So a lot of the work in this perinatal space is about that holding and containing while you're going through this. And then when you're better or when you're recovering and you're at the point where things are stable, then you can start going back and doing the work. But yeah, not until you're in a stable.”

“I think, yeah, it was coming back out and really trying different medications. By then a mood stabiliser, antidepressant and an antipsychotic. So whatever it was, but that combination, obviously working and committing to doing a bit more sessions with Dr. Q, not returning to work, which was that I had to get my head around that I wasn't well enough to return and that I had to just accept that that point my job as a patient, full-time patient and a mum, and taking the pressure off to rush back to work.”

“So I think it was the catalyst for, I guess, the rest of the recovery and not putting I think I'd put too much pressure on myself to return to work and that being the deadline for me to be well and then not having that there.”

Her journey with medication was not a straight-forward journey. For Ariane, it involved a lot of trial and error.

“It's not an exact science at all. And you can see the doctors, psychiatrists, having to weigh up all of the different side effects and risks and benefits and so on.”

“I certainly found the medication they put me on in the MBU made me incredibly drowsy, even taking it at night time. Just, yeah, it still meant that I wasn't able to function overnight, completely sedated and didn't wear off during the day either. So that was difficult.”

“And yeah, other things, I think one of the moods stabilisers, like pulling clumps of my hair out. So losing my hair and then having to adjust that dose. And then the antipsychotic, I think the first time I took it, I slept until about 3PM. I just couldn't wake up. It completely knocked me out. And it's great. It's very effective for sleep, but a bit too effective.”

“Being someone who's very sensitive to side effects, which means too that I am often on a very small dose, which probably wouldn't even be clinically therapeutic to some people. But yeah, it does mean that those little changes makes a big difference. So that was quite stressful.”

“And as someone who'd never been on psychiatric medication as well, it was, yeah, it was difficult. You feel like a guinea pig.”

“And yeah, it's definitely a relief. Even now, I will take a higher dose if I'm, for example, writing a book, I turned it right up. Once I finish that, I've titrated that down a bit because I prefer to feel a little bit more. I think sometimes it takes the edge off a little bit too much.”

“So, yeah, that's still part of something that I manage, which is, yeah, that's fine. It's just you turn it up, turn it down.”

“I think it definitely settled the hypomania and the sleep. Yeah, that combination just definitely works. But it took a while to get there and it took some convincing. I didn't want to take an antipsychotic and I didn't particularly want to take a mood stabiliser… But yeah, it's definitely it's not easy and side effects can be rough, but It's definitely important to get that right.”

After being discharged from the psychiatric ward, Ariane had to accept her role as a full-time ‘patient’.

“That particular time feels very blurry and not in a way that's blurry like the illness, but it feels like it was a lot of just nothing... I tell people about it taking time and it's just the period of time dragging myself to appointments and having Henry at home and trying to get into more of a routine and trying to get enough sleep and just not working, not putting pressure on myself to rush back to work.”

“It was a really... I mean, when I think about it, it's boring, it was such a boring period of my life! It was a very necessary period of my life. But it's actually difficult to explain or describe for that reason because it's boring. It's just like nothing was happening.”

“And my whole job was just to plod along and continue to just recover.”

“I was out of the crisis state, but I wasn't well enough to go back to work. So a lot of it was just, yeah, being at home, going for long walks with the pram, spending time at the park and, trying to have that normal maternity leave, I guess, experience that I didn't have that most people experience in that early postpartum that I hadn't necessarily.”

“And I remember just feeling really impatient, like I was just treading water. And I remember watching friends around me getting engaged and getting married and having their second children or kicking goals in their career. And I was just treading water.”

“If this were a movie, that would be the bit where the director would just be like, ‘we're just going to cut that.’”

“That's the montage. The montage is us having breakfast and then going to the café and then going to Woolies to pick up one thing because that was the highlight, the chore of the day, and pushing him on the swings and putting him to bed and going to see the psychiatrist. And that was the work. That was the recovery and not putting pressure on myself to go back to work or try and to achieve anything or be competent in anything other than just being a mum.”

“And that was a good one to two years, I think, really. And I think it was that point I think, yeah, Hen was about three when I felt like there was more of a turning point and there was a bit more colour. And I was starting to feel like I was not just surviving, but starting to live and to feel joy again and to be able to read books and do things that used to bring me joy and so on.”

“Henry was going back to school, and that was a big milestone for me starting school. It also gave me back some more time as well. At that point, I had started to do some freelance writing for Essential Baby and Essential Kids. I was starting to turn some of my experience into content for them. Some of it was about the postpartum stuff, but a lot of it was just about ‘eight reasons why I have a three-nager’ or ‘here's eight things that…’ and those kinds of things.”

“And it was giving me an outlet and to use, I think, the humour of some of the situation and the absurdity of motherhood at times. So I just started to do that.”

“And I remember dropping Henry at school and there was this church opposite to school. And I saw this big sign for this dance school. And I thought, ‘well, it couldn't be more convenient than that, really.’ Like, literally opposite Henry's school and not far from where we lived! And I thought, oh, what the hell? I'll go and do a class and see how it goes.’ And I remember having to dig out my shoes and I went and bought a new leotard because I didn't have any and went across and did this class.”

“And it was just me and it was a couple of other girls and this lovely teacher. And it was just the most amazing experience! I just felt like for that hour and a half that I was completely out of my head and in my body and just all of the joy that I had experienced as a young dancer before it became a career goal, just all the reasons that I fell in love with it in the first place.”

“Then I kept going back and it was something that became such a highlight of my week. It was just one class every Tuesday morning after I dropped Henry off and it just became such a highlight. And I met some amazing women. And one of the women I met, I actually taught for her at her dance school. And so I just created these community of women who weren't mothers as well. So it was something to feed my identity. And it just brought me back. It helped bring me back. It brought me so much joy. And it still does.”

“Having that as an outlet dancing for myself, but also you're teaching adults and kids and being able to, yeah, to impart that joy in a studio in an environment that values imperfection as well. And I think that's a huge part of my teaching in classes and just that it should be a joyful experience and you shouldn't have to be perfect and bring in your imperfections. And we're going to make a joke and we're going to clap and we're going to be loud and we're going to have fun and we're not going to necessarily dance to classical music.”

“And it's just been such a healing experience for me. And I hope for some of the women who come to my classes as well. Yeah, it was a huge part of my recovery. And I'm just I'm so glad that it found me again. The creativity, the outlet, the joy, just even now when I'm going to teach and I know that it's an hour I'm out of my head. I'm off my phone, I'm away from the computer, I'm away from my emails, and I'm just completely focused on the women in front of me or what's happening in my body as well. That's been really special.”

“By that point I was working at Fairfax, I think three days a week. And Henry was at school and two days a week I had to myself. And I was definitely feeling better and really feeling like I wanted to give back or tentatively start to put that hat back on again… Yeah, mental health and psychology and to use that part of my brain again.”

“And I saw a post on COPE’s [Centre of Perinatal Excellence] social media. I must have started following them at some point. And it was basically just asking for volunteers and to get in contact if you felt you had something to offer.”

“I'd also just published an article in the Sydney Morning Herald, which is the article that became the book. And it was called The Year My Brain Broke. And it was the article that was really focused on what it had been like as a psychologist with a mental illness. And it was the first time that I'd written about that aspect of it because I kept that aspect quiet out of this worry about the repercussions.”

“So it hadn't been long since that had been published. I saw that [post] and I always say I slid into Nicole's DM and I just said, ‘I saw your post and my name's Ariane and I just published this article. My background's in psychology and I have lived experience as part of psychosis. I can write and I can, basically, I would love to be involved and help in some way. Please use me.’ And she responded straight away.”

“I really just started doing basically just whatever they need me to do all day. And then over the years, that's morphed into a number of different things. I've worked on the Ready to Cope app and across some of the training and social and comms and research and all kinds of things.”

“We ended up acquiring Mama Tribe, so that became part of COPE as well. So continuing to build out Mama Tribe. And yeah, the guidelines [the National Perinatal Mental Health Guideline]. I was really honoured to be on the expert working group for the guidelines as a consumer representative, which is probably the most, it sounds so nerdy, but it's probably one of the most exciting parts of my career because I was just in this in this room with all of these incredible people working in this space, just the biggest brains in this space across psychiatry, psychology, general practise, midwifery, maternal child health nurses. And everyone offering their expertise across screening and treatment and prevention. And yeah, that was just such an exciting piece of work to have the new guidelines.”

“It's really exciting. I feel like we're in a really exciting phase where we've got all of these great offerings with the app and the training and the screening [iCOPE Digital Screening] and Mama Tribe and the guidelines, and we're all just getting it out there and promoting it and continuing to refine it based on the feedback that we get as well. So yes, it's an exciting time for the work, I think, and advocacy. And there's always more to do. There are always those gaps that we see and continue to hear about. It does feel like things are moving. And, yeah, as you know, it's such a satisfying and rewarding area to work in.”

Throughout this time, Ariane began writing her book which has just been released as of the 21st May 2024: Because I’m Not Myself, You See: A Memoir of Motherhood, Madness, and Coming Back From the Brink by Ariane Beeston, published by Black Inc.

“We have this idea that writing is always cathartic. And honestly, it's not been cathartic at all. It's been whatever the opposite of catharsis is! Because it's actually dredging up stuff and you're right in there and you're going back repeatedly and going over the same stuff.”

“And with writing as well, it's not just the remembering of it, but what did it feel like and what did it smell like? So you really try to remember the details. So, yeah, I think the writing itself was really tough.”

“I think things like this, talking about the book or talking about the experience are probably more cathartic than the writing. And I am hopeful and I hope that while the writing itself was not easy and it was not cathartic, but this part of it and this aspect of having these conversations, talking to people about their experiences and receiving beautiful messages and talking about it at events and so on, I'm hopeful and I think that that aspect of it will actually be the part that is cathartic because the hard part is hopefully done.”

“And that's not to say that talking about this stuff is easy and that it's not going to be draining and difficult, but there's something… And I think the reason why I took so long to write is because I needed to be in a place where it wasn't going to throw me back into a deep relapse or it wasn't going to be too triggering to write about it. I think I had to wait until I was ready to do that.”

“The need wasn't cathartic. The need purely came out of there's a moment where I'm on the MBU, and you know what's funny? I remember being in the car on the way to hospital, and this is such a writer thing to say, and you work in publishing, so you would understand this. I remember being in a car and just thinking, ‘well, you know what? At least I'll be able to write about this.’”

“I remember being in a group there at a session and we're all sharing something. And I remember just saying, ‘I'm going to write about this one day because nobody told me about so much of this.’ And that was the common theme of people just saying, ‘no one told me about this.’ And I think at the time I hadn't come across anything that was similar to what I'd experienced. And there were some lovely books about motherhood and that touched on a little bit around postnatal depression, but certainly nothing about what it was like to be on an MBU or what it was like to have such a severe illness during that time.”

“And I just remember thinking I have to write the book that I needed at the time. And so I think that's what was driving me a lot of the way, that I wanted it to be the book that someone would hopefully find at the time that they needed it and be able to either identify something in themselves or to know that they would get better or to be able to help a loved one or for a grandmother to understand their daughter's experience.”

“It was definitely driven out of a need to write the book that I needed.”

Listen to the full episode:

*Recommended Book:

Because I’m Not Myself, You See: A Memoir of Motherhood, Madness, and Coming Back From the Brink by Ariane Beeston.