04 | Kathryn
“Starting to come out of the fog” - first family holiday to celebrate her birthday in Noosa, Kathryn’s spiritual home
“I can’t believe this is my life… I should never have had her. I’m a terrible mother. I think I need to give her up for adoption. She deserves better than me. I’m going to screw her up. I’ve ruined my life.”
A successful economist and accomplished career woman, Kathryn from MotherUp has always been the quintessential high achiever who needed certainty and control over every aspect of her life. Although, of course, when she had her little girl Liv, Kathryn learnt the hard way that perfectionism and motherhood do not mix.
She assumed the anxiety she felt during pregnancy would be alleviated when her daughter was safely in her arms, but after five relentless weeks of depression and compulsive behaviour, Kathryn had what she calls a “combustion”.
Kathryn shares a unique perspective about perinatal mental ill health coupled with fertility challenges, pregnancy loss, breastfeeding trauma, and mothering with OCD during a COVID pandemic. Despite fears about a recurrent postpartum “combustion”, Kathryn has leaned into hope (and her own postpartum planning framework!) and is currently expecting a little boy.
This isn’t an episode to miss.
You can find out more about Kathryn’s mother-centric planning and support service, MotherUp, at www.motherup.com.au or via Instagram @_motherup
Following several surgeries and a period of infertility in her twenties, Kathryn’s first pregnancy with her daughter Liv was the beginning of her journey with mental ill health. In the search for certainty over her baby’s health and wellbeing, Kathryn would repeatedly record Liv’s exact foetal movements and visit the hospital if kicks weren’t identical to the day before. Although, this reassurance was never enough.
Reassurance seeking and checking soon transformed into magical thinking. Kathryn started performing superstitious rituals in the hopes of easing her anxiety, often thinking “If I make [something] happen six times, then she’ll be born healthy… All of this went undiagnosed during my pregnancy.”
She held onto the belief that she would find relief once her daughter was born. However, when Liv was placed in her arms, Kathryn remembers “not feeling how I thought I would feel when she was safely here. I thought if I just get to her being born then I won’t feel like this anymore… but with having her, the reduction in anxiety never came.”
Kathryn knew something wasn’t right before she even left the hospital, and very quickly after discharge she was confronted by the reality that her past anxiety coping skills were no longer conducive to raising a baby.
“I’m not used to trying so hard at something and it not working”.
Her OCD largely centred around breastfeeding and she became so obsessed with pumping that she had a supply of breastmilk apparently large enough for triplets. “I was chronically checking that the fridge was shut and the freezer, because if the freezer was not shut then all of my pumped milk would defrost and that was the only way I could be a ‘good mother’ to her.” She was doing this 30-40 times a day, minimum. “I would say to my husband, if I die in an accident, then I want Liv to get my milk. In my mind that was the only way I was contributing to her.”
“But I was dying on the inside.”
Kathryn’s physical and mental health deteriorated rapidly. Anxiety stole her appetite entirely, so between excessive pumping and not eating, Kathryn lost 15-20kg within the first few months after birth. “I resented [my baby] because I resented breastfeeding, I hated pumping… the lack of sleep also exacerbated the intrusive thoughts and the rumination which were all about her safety and her health and her development and her growth”.
“And then I broke. At about 5 weeks postpartum, I had a breakdown”.
As someone who rarely cried, Kathryn found herself devastated and uncontrollably sobbing most of the day and not to mention overwhelmed by self-loathing and intrusive thoughts. “I can’t believe this is my life… I should never have had her. I’m a terrible mother. I think I need to give her up for adoption. She deserves better than me. I’m going to screw her up. I’ve ruined my life.”
After a period of poor advice and misinformation related to breastfeeding and antidepressants, at 7 weeks postpartum she was finally referred to a psychiatrist who was, and continues to be, instrumental in her healing.
“It’s like talking to a girlfriend… The experience I’ve had with her, she’s made me feel like everything I’m going through is really common and normal”.
Their relationship has spanned 3 and a half years now and Kathryn credits her psychiatrist for supporting her through marital problems, through her miscarriage, and in her decision “to have faith, to be brave enough to have another baby”.
“I can genuinely say, despite everything that I’ve gone through, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life now because I’ve actually had the time to reflect and do the work.” And although she was unable to be left alone with her daughter for months, Kathryn reflects that “my mental illness journey has not affected the bond that I have with my baby, at all.”
Kathryn’s own experience made her want to fill the gap that existed in postpartum planning, leading to the development of MotherUp. It is here that Kathryn advocates for care around the mother, as an individual, because she recognises the proven “protective nature of postpartum support”. It’s something she’s taken very seriously in preparation for her own upcoming postpartum, in collaboration with her psychiatrist.
“I still think that there’s so much shame because people just aren’t open about their diagnoses.” Kathryn herself did not disclose her intrusive thoughts and consistently lied on the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale (EPDS) for fear of having her daughter taken away. “There’s so much that can be done to alleviate distress and shame”.
In addition to the support of her psychiatrist, Kathryn found hope in reading stories on the Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA)’s website about women who had gone through this, and who went on to have other children. “If they can do it, I can do it… We all know the power of peer support and the power of listening to other women’s stories”.
“That shared experience is really powerful and really healing… It was that real life recovery that I really hung onto.”
Listen to the full episode:
