06 | Aimee
“The very worst day of my life” - the day Aimee found out her waters had broken at 18 weeks pregnant.
“I’d had a really, really bad day and I ended up putting myself to bed really early, but I didn’t even get there. I ended up in a heap on the floor. Hubby had already fallen asleep and thank god he woke up in the early hours of the morning. The look on his face when he found me - I’ll never forget it.”
At 18 weeks pregnant, Aimee suffered the unimaginable - her waters ruptured and for the next 20 weeks she lived every day on bed rest in uncertainty about whether her baby would actually survive. To the surprise of every doctor, Aimee’s waters resealed and at 38 weeks, Evie, a healthy baby girl, was born.
But her relief and joy vanished when suddenly she felt like she was living the worst case scenario she feared, rather than the happy ending she got. She thought she should just be grateful, not sobbing every day, so Aimee hid her suffering for weeks, until one day her shocked husband found her in a heap on the floor.
In this episode, Aimee takes us on her painful journey with postpartum depression and PTSD after a traumatic pregnancy, and teaches us one of the most important lessons of all - how our healing really begins the moment we open up.
You can find Aimee via Instagram @managing_mummahood
When Aimee was 18 weeks pregnant with her second baby, she experienced the worst day of her life - her waters ruptured. “We had a really good run, up until 18 weeks… Thankfully, it was a slight and slow leak, rather than a full rupture, but I did eventually lose all of my fluid.”
“We were told to prepare for the worst.”
Due to the poor prognosis and the fact she had a toddler at home to look after, Aimee was told it may be better for her to not continue the pregnancy, although Aimee wanted to hold on to hope. “She was a perfectly healthy little baby girl, and I just had to keep my faith in her and I wanted to do everything I could to keep her safe and keep her in there as long as I could.”
Aimee was then admitted to hospital confined to rest, but this was the very same weekend that NSW went into a lockdown, meaning Aimee was told she could not leave until she gave birth. “I wasn’t allowed any visitors, I wasn’t allowed to see my husband, I wasn’t allowed to see my son. And it just killed me.”
“Thankfully, eventually, they realised that the risk of keeping me in there for my mental health outweighed the benefits of that physical safety and they allowed me to go home to be with my family. And to this day, I really do believe if we weren’t allowed to come home, Evelyn wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t have been able to have the strength to carry through and keep her in there.”
Leaving hospital and moving back in with her parents meant Aimee was supported as she lived in constant uncertainty on bed rest. “It was tough but I was surrounded by so much support, we just took it day by day.”
To everyone’s amazement, Evie stayed inside until 38 weeks gestation and was born via planned c-section. “The joy, the relief - it was just everything! Our girl was finally here, we made it. It was our happy ending.”
As much as Aimee hoped that the fear and trauma of pregnancy was behind her, unfortunately her journey didn’t end there.
“The first couple of weeks postpartum were as normal as can be. There were lots of tears of happiness and joy, there were a couple tears of emotions and things like that, the baby blues, all the hormones, but overall we had a really beautiful experience and bringing her home to Harvey was just the best thing in the world. We just had to keep pinching ourselves that she was here and we got our happy ending.”
“At about 3 weeks postpartum, I don’t know what happened, but something changed.”
“Like a tonne of bricks, I was absolutely consumed by this horrible, horrible feeling of sadness, and devastation… It was as if we were in the nightmare situation and not the happy ending. And I was absolutely taken aback by it because we had been doing so well.”
“It was such a shock to the system that this just came out of nowhere. And I remember at the time it started, it also coincided with Josh going back to work… so we were thrown into the deep end, really, and as these feelings came over me, I just thought - Is it me? Is it that I can’t handle the two children? I’m an early childhood teacher, I’ve looked after plenty of children before, I’m in ratio! - I was so consumed by this confusion.”
“I felt like shaking myself to say - We’re here! We’re at the happy ending, this is it! Enjoy it! Be grateful! - but I just couldn’t help this dark cloud that came over me and before I knew it, it was all consuming.”
Having experienced a short period of depression 10 years earlier, Aimee believed she would know what to expect if she ever experienced postpartum depression.
“That’s what surprised me the most with postpartum depression - which is what I was obviously diagnosed with in the end - is that I always thought postpartum depression was depression postpartum. You know? It was just depression after the birth of a child. And I’d been through that before so here I was all this time thinking I know what to look out for, I know the signs, and I know how to deal with it, and then it came and it was like nothing I’d ever felt before.”
“That’s what I think really bothered me the most at the beginning, like - What is going on? What’s wrong with me? This can’t be postpartum depression! Maybe this is me! - I didn’t feel the deep sadness or depression, I really just felt numb, I didn’t feel anything! I mean, I felt everything but I didn’t feel anything at the same time.”
“I would just cry and cry and cry and I couldn’t stop it, and it was terrifying.”
“Looking back now, I think I definitely knew. I think I was just struggling to come to terms with it.” Aimee also realised it began earlier than she thought, in the last few weeks of pregnancy when she was anxiously looking for reassurance. “I was just absolutely taken aback by fear that we would lose our girl, and I guess that was where my shame came in because having postpartum depression, it wasn’t meant to be like this, this was our happy ending! I was supposed to be completely elated and happy and thankful and grateful, for everything, this was our dream come true. Why couldn’t I enjoy it?”
“I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t eating, I was just crying all the time
“In the beginning, I don’t know how, but I suffered in complete silence. I normally tell my husband everything, he’s my best friend, nothing is ever off limits or off topic for us, everything is out in the open. But I couldn’t go to him, because I couldn’t admit that I was struggling, and I couldn’t say out loud that I think this is something more than just struggling to adjust to life with two.”
“I remember feeling so ashamed, but it wasn’t to do with the stigmas associated with it, it was more to do with the fact that it was supposed to be our happy time, we’d waited so long for this. So I didn’t say anything, I didn’t tell him, and he never found out what was going on.”
“I would be bawling my eyes out but I’d then hear Josh’s car pull up and instantly it would just stop, like a flick of a switch, there’d be no tears. My eyes would be dry. And I’d think - I’m not trying to hide this - it was like subconsciously my body was saying - you can’t tell him, he’d never forgive you for this. And it was insane because I knew he’d completely understand… I don’t know, I really don’t know, but that’s how it was for a couple of weeks. Even with my family, nobody knew. And it was really, really hard.”
“I think a big part of it as well was - what would happen if you do admit what’s going on? I was having intrusive thoughts and all those scary things that happen… Would Evie be taken off me? Would I be taken away? - And all of these horrible things!”
“I look back now and I think - Aimee, you should have just told someone… I knew I had so much support but I didn’t have the guts to ask for it.”
“But as I approached my 6-week check-up, I made myself a promise that I would bring it to the attention of my GP. I still didn’t know that I’d be able to say it so I wrote it down on a piece of paper - I think I have postpartum depression - and I made myself a deal that I have to say something then, because each day was just getting worse and worse and I was feeling less and less like myself - and it was terrifying me.”
“It was so hard - it’s just a sentence! And it doesn’t seem like much but at the time, it’s like how can I admit to this?”
“Only 3 days before that 6 week appointment, I had my worst day yet, I was a mess, and I was getting really frustrated with myself as well… I remember just feeling like I needed to snap out of it - you’re ruining all of this, you’re going to look back on this with such disappointment that Evie’s 6 weeks are almost up and you’ve just cried your way through it and you’re never going to forget this - I’d had a really, really bad day and I ended up putting myself to bed really early, but I didn’t even get there.”
“I ended up in a heap on the floor.”
“Hubby had already fallen asleep and thank god he woke up in the early hours of the morning, and the look on his face when he found me, just, I’ll never forget it, he was absolutely shocked because he had no idea but at the same time he was feeling all the concern for me. He was so, I guess he felt bad that he hadn’t picked up on it, like he just knew straight away that this was the state I was in and had been in for a while.”
“I kept saying to him - it’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, it’s not that you didn’t notice or that you didn’t pick up on anything, it’s that I hid it from you without even meaning to, my body just wanted it a secret.”
“But the second that he knew, it just opened me up to the recovery. I really did feel that that was the moment - it was going to get better from here.”
“I had him. We went to my GP together. I had my GP’s support. Eventually, when I had the confidence to share that with my parents, my family, we had their support. And then everything just opened up again. And it was like the world just wrapped me up in a big hug and said - you’ve got this, it’s gonna be ok. I felt like I was stepping away from the worst of it and heading towards better days.”
“Obviously I tested to show this is what I had… straight away I was given a script for anti-depressants and I was referred to a psychologist.”
“I’m very thankful for my GP and the psychologist that I did see… everything helped!”
“It really was a turning point when I told our friends and family... you know, everyone’s there for you, no one is going to turn their back on.”
“I wish I could go back to three-week postpartum and tell myself it’s gonna be ok, you know, you’re surrounded by everyone, everyone loves you, and it’s gonna be ok, they’re all there for you, it might not feel like it.”
“To this day, I still have my moments, and I still have my moments in my days. But for the most part, I’m in a much better place now.”
“My advice to a friend is to tell someone, to seek help, and know that no matter the messages your mind sends you! You’re not a bad mum and you’re not a failure, you just need some support, and I promise it will get better with time.”
Listen to the full episode:
