40 | Dayna
“I remember my GP asking me early on as well, ‘how’s the relationship?’ And it was the only time I could say that anything was good through the whole experience. So I think, there was that parallel of the trauma. I feel like I was experiencing the complete worst time of my life, but also the best time of my life. And just having those two clash. That’s just so hard to describe, but I was just so happy when I was around him, but an absolute mess when I’d go to sleep at night...”
Dayna’s story really gives meaning to the phrase one thing after another.
When she birthed her son, there was no golden hour or newborn bubble, which is something she’s still grieving. Instead, there was an emergency c-section, a dystonic reaction, mistreatment from hospital staff, over 30 hours of separation from her baby, and a special care nursery admission, not to mention flashbacks, anxiety, panic attacks, rage, and hypervigilance.
More curveballs only compounded this trauma in the form of dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER), ongoing physical pain, cow’s milk protein allergy, a six-month waitlist to see a psychologist, and returning to work at a hospital.
The mental health impacts of birth trauma are real, and Dayna articulates this with such vulnerability and insight - and a bit of humour too. Through this conversation, she tells a story about parallels and contradictions, about mothering with trauma, about how her work as a nurse both helped and complicated her experience, and about the unforgettable experiences that will stay with her for a long time - for both the right and wrong reasons.
This episode will make you feel every emotion - one after another, after another.
“As a whole, I felt pretty excited and happy and was really looking forward to becoming a mum and embraced it as much as I could.”
Following a relatively uncomplicated pregnancy, Dayna went into birth excited to welcome her baby. She even laughs about the solidarity she felt with a mother birthing in a nearby birth suite. “It's very vivid. I still remember it clear as day, yeah, hearing it. And I was just so excited thinking because I'd already been in labour for a while and I think the epidural just kicked in and I was a bit pain-free for now. And I was like, ‘Oh, I feel you sister, screaming away there!’”
“But I knew I was getting closer to that point. And then it just didn't quite get there.”
“Definitely made it towards the end and was pushing, but it all went downhill very quickly, unfortunately.”
“I carried quite large in my pregnancy. I looked like I was carrying probably triplets to be honest, but there was just one baby in there. But I don't know, there were never any alarm bells ringing from anyone medically that he was going to be as big as he was.”
“Myself and my husband, we're not large people. I'm only 162 centimetres tall, so I'm just a shorty, and my husband's nothing crazy. He's only six foot on the dot, like tall, but nothing extraordinary. So yeah, he popped out at a casual 5.31 kilograms, which was 11. 7 pounds, which is crazy. So that's definitely not going to fit.”
“It was disappointing because I got to 10 centimetres So I'd laboured for 27 hours. I think I went 12 hours, had an epidural. Everything was somewhat smooth sailing as it could. And then to get to the end, and I was pushing for about an hour, and everyone was telling me how well I was pushing. So I thought I was doing a good job.”
“I think I went the hour mark, which only felt like a good 10 minutes of pushing to me. So that shocked me that I'd been pushing for an hour and they said nothing's really happening. And I think his head was on a bit of a tilt.”
“It was at that point I started to not feel... I guess I suppose I felt like a bit of a failure. I felt like everyone tells you ‘your body’s made for this and you can do it’ and ‘that’s what women are designed for’. And to not be able to do it broke my heart a bit because I’d gone all that time, reached the very, very end, I was fully dilated! And then to have everyone rush into the room out of nowhere...”
“So they said, we'll head to theatre and we'll do... It was worded to me as a trial-of-delivery in theatre, where they would try and get him out via episiotomy and forceps and if that failed, then they would head to an emergency C-section because they were already set up for that.”
“But it was at that point I started to not feel... I guess I suppose I felt like a bit of a failure. I felt like everyone tells you ‘your body's made for this and you can do it’ and ‘that's what women are designed for’. And to not be able to do it broke my heart a bit because I'd gone all that time, reached the very, very end, I was fully dilated! And then to have everyone rush into the room out of nowhere.”
“And I was in a private hospital as well, so everyone had to be called in from home because they don't have theatre overnight.”
”I think a lot of people didn't really want to be there, if that makes any sense. Half the room did, and then I felt like the other half of the room weren't really keen on it, which was a bit disappointing - particularly my anaesthetist, just didn't look at me like I was a human, I felt, or treated me like one.”
“I remember my obstetrician handing me the consent paper in front of me to sign if it needed to go to a caesarean, it would. I think I just really disassociated from there and just cried and cried and cried. And I hesitated for a while to sign the papers because I just didn't want it to end the way it was going to.”
“I did eventually sign it, but I just cried and cried.”
“I remember looking at my husband and asking, ‘why is this happening to me?’ It's not fair.”
“I remember everyone talking at me after that. I remember seeing their mouths moving, but I couldn't take on anything that was being said to me at all. I had no idea what was going on or the number of people, I knew people were there, but it was just so overwhelming.”
“I remember the whole bed ride to just switching off completely. But I still wanted to be somewhat with it because I wanted to witness my baby coming into the world, but I just hated the way it was going to go down.”
“I remember just hysterically crying and asking him not to do that. I think that was where the trauma really started, that line that he delivered...”
“We got into theatre and I remember the anaesthetist looking at me and didn't even say hello or introduce himself or make me feel like I was in safe hands. And I remember one of the nurses in there, she was like, ‘can you explain to me what's going to happen?’ I explained what was explained to me, and she just really sharply turned to me and said, ‘No, you're having an episiotomy with forceps’ and walked away.”
“The biggest thing I didn't want was an episiotomy if I could avoid it. The way it was delivered to me really hurt. My husband wasn't there at the time. He was getting changed into scrubs. Then we got wheeled in and they gave me an epidural top up and I felt that rush over my body and I had no feeling whatsoever.”
“They told me they were going to do a big exam, but they didn't really explain to me what that was. And then I quickly figured out it was my obstetrician's entire arm up to try and grab bubs. But he couldn't grab him, unfortunately. He apologised profusely because he knew how much I wanted to try and achieve a natural delivery. He said, ‘I'm sorry, it's going to have to be an emergency caesarean’ and then asked the anaesthetist to give me a spinal.”
“And that was when my anaesthetist said ‘no, I don't have time, just pop her to sleep’ as if I wasn't even there.” And that scared me because I'm a nurse as well and I would never treat my own patients like that or speak around them as if they weren't there.”
“So I remember just hysterically crying and asking him not to do that.”
“I think that was where the trauma really started, that line that he delivered.”
“I know that theatre doesn't run overnight in that hospital. So I knew that I was the only case in theatre. So the fact that he said that he didn't have time really confused me. Definitely had time and there was enough staff there. And so, yeah, I remember just crying and begging him not to do that. I wanted to see my baby come into the world.”
“And he just sharply told me, ‘well, you're just going to have to put up with the epidural then.’ And that's what I did because I didn't want to be put to sleep.”
“So, yeah, there was a lot of just gritting my teeth. I didn't have any pain, but I could feel all the pressure. I can't compare it to a spinal, but there was just some feeling there that was... Yeah, it's really hard to describe. It wasn't fun.”
“It was probably I think, aside from labour, the most distressing thing I’ve ever experienced, because when I was going through it, I couldn’t look at my husband, I couldn’t look at my beautiful newborn baby...”
“They were very quick to get him out.”
“They lifted him up, but they didn't lower the curtain for me to see. Because he was so big, I could hear everyone else's audible gasps and wows and look how big he is and how beautiful he is. And everyone was talking about him, but I was just lying there flat, I can't see him.”
“And I remember audibly saying, ‘I can't see him, I can't see my baby.’”
“It took a while for them. They actually brought him around. They never lowered the curtain and they brought him around. And I was like, ‘oh, wow, he's a huge baby. It's not a newborn, it's a toddler!’ And then I think they cleaned him up really quickly and they brought him over. We got a couple of photos and then they took him away again.”
“And then I think my blood pressure must have dropped because I started to feel really, really unwell.”
“I had the shakes the whole time, too. I felt freezing. So they gave me, I've since learnt a drug called Droperidol for my nausea. It was a really, really tiny dose, but it unfortunately gave me a dystonic reaction in my jaw, my head, and my neck.”
“Yeah, it's like when you tense a muscle, but they stay tense and you can't turn it off.”
“It was probably I think, aside from labour, the most distressing thing I've ever experienced, because when I was going through it, I couldn't look at my husband, I couldn't look at my beautiful newborn baby. And I remember my husband was next to me like, ‘look at our baby’. And I couldn't look at him because all I could think It was my jaw, my jaw, my jaw, my jaw, my jaw.”
“I felt like my head was going to implode internally or my head was going to blow off my shoulders. It was horrible.”
“My obstetrician was obviously stitching me up, but I remember him saying, ‘I think she's having a dystonic reaction, give her Benzotropine’, which is a drug to reverse it. But the anaesthetist just stood over my head and said, ‘no, she's not having dystonic reaction. Just breathe, just breathe, you're fine.’ And it broke my heart because my obstetrician is beautiful and he was right, and he was just so quickly shut down and dismissed, and my symptoms were completely ignored and disregarded.”
“I wasn't given that reversal drug until I hit recovery, maybe an hour later.”
“So it was a good hour, I reckon, just sitting there with this jaw and I didn't get to have that experience with my baby. I didn't get to hold him. Anything like that golden hour was just stripped from me. And that breaks my heart, probably the most, especially seeing friends have babies now, and even if they have a C-section and seeing them hold a baby, I would have loved that. But unfortunately, that wasn't the case.”
“In the medical notes, she had written in there that I was comfortable and sleeping, but I was passing it in out of consciousness...”
“We went to recovery and it just got worse from there.”
“The reversal drug was given to me after a while. But as that was kicking in, my epidural was wearing off. And I think because I was in labour for that 27 hours and I was fully dilated when I went in, and because he was such a big baby, I believe my obstetrician said he had to cut a bit bigger than what he normally would for an average-sized baby - I think internally, you can palpate my scar and it's a hip bone to hip bone - So I felt like once my epidural wore off, I had just been sliced open on a battlefield and just left there.”
“I was, I guess, in and out of consciousness. I remember waking up from the pain and begging for pain relief and then passing out. But also the Benzotropine, the reversal drug for my reaction, also gives a bit of a sedative effect. So I think it was a combo of the two.”
“But the recovery nurse, I just felt really, really dismissed and ignored my pain. And since the birth, I got my medical notes back and I wanted to see what pain relief they had given me. And they'd only given me oral Panadol, Voltaren, slow-acting Tagine - so it wasn't going to hit me in the time I needed it - and Endone, only because I begged for it!”
“And even when she gave me the Endone, and I remember she didn't know I was a nurse, but she looked at me and really exaggerated that was a really, really, really, really strong pain relief. But I was lying there and internally thinking that's not going to even touch the sides with this type of pain that I have. And it didn't, it didn't do anything for me.”
“In the medical notes, she had written in there that I was comfortable and sleeping, but I was passing it in out of consciousness.”
“I later figured that they had Tramadol charted there if I needed it. And I was begging and begging and begging for pain relief - and they didn't even utilise that medication!”
“At some point they took my husband and my baby away from me for what reason I still don't really know. But I was in recovery for another six to seven hours completely alone.”
“I remember bringing my knees up because it was the only comfortable position I could get into. And my recovery nurse would slam my legs shut, not gently pop them back down trying to lie flat, she would slam them shut. And the pain that would then radiate into my scar was excruciating.”
“She just wouldn't give me any pain relief. And I also had a fever. And every time she would take my temperature, she would crack it, she'd just make that real audible ugh noise.”
“I got the feeling that maybe she'd been called in and just wanted to go home. But because I had a fever and everything, I wasn't able to go back to the ward in the time that a normal patient would.”
“And then I must have been okay at some point, but I still just remember being in so much pain and being wheeled onto the maternity ward. And I was excited because I knew that the midwives would give me what I needed. And I think the first thing I asked was, ‘can I please have some pain relief?’ And she said, ‘oh, absolutely. I'll go get you some IV Tramadol.’ And I thought, finally.”
“The other nurse was handing over just outside my door to the recovery nurse. And she heard my midwife say that. And I watched her throw her hands up in the air and shake her head in disappointment that I was going to be given pain relief. And that just confused me so much because I was in agony. And I don't know why she was so against a mum that had just laboured for so long and then had a C-section to not have pain relief.”
“I think once the medication did hit me, I was just on another planet and I was so tired. I think I'd been on and off awake for over 50 hours.”
“I remember it must have been about 7 or 8am and a midwife came over and I very, very, very vaguely remember this, but she whacked my boy on for a breastfeed because we'd been separated for, I think, maybe eight hours max. And she was like, ‘you need to breastfeed him’. So I popped him on and I've got photos of it that my husband took and I look so weak. My hands are just positioned in the most awkward way because I just couldn't hold him properly. And I was half asleep.”
“I remember waking up and Bubs wasn’t there, my husband wasn’t there... all I could hear was other Mum’s babies crying on the ward. And I was just confused because no one had really told me what was going on...”
“They took my boy away to do some vital signs. And I just thought, cool, this is my opportunity to try and get some rest. So I closed my eyes. I don't know how long for, but I remember waking up and Bubs wasn't there, my husband wasn't there.”
“I remember feeling like I needed to roll in bed and I couldn't without screaming. I had to hold onto the bed rail and pull myself up and scream the whole time. And then once I got into a comfy position, all I could hear was other Mum's babies crying on the ward. And I was just confused because no one had really told me what was going on.”
“I didn't find out what was going on until the late afternoon from my husband. He called me and said that bubs was in special care nursery. His vital signs were really bad. He's now on oxygen. He's got an IV in, nasogastric tube and a few other bits and bobs were going on. And he was in the incubator.”
As a paediatric nurse, Dayna knew this wasn’t going to short admission to the special care nursery. “I think seeing that was a massive shock because all I could think was, oh, that's not good. ‘You're not coming out tomorrow or the next day.’ But I didn't really know any details.”
“So I waited until I saw the paediatrician. He came in at like, I reckon it was midnight, which I appreciate. He didn't have to come in at that time. It was the very end of his day. And he'd come over from the public hospital as well. And he was like, ‘oh, I've heard you're a paed's nurse. Can I speak to you like you're a nurse so you understand what's going on?’”
“And he explained everything to me. And he had a blood infection. His glucose levels were really low from being a big baby. He needed feeds. He was on a glucose drip. There was just so much going on and I was like, ‘okay, no worries.’ And he left me there. But my brain just went into that nurse mode of, shit, this isn't good. He's not well. I don't think he's getting out of here soon. And then I went straight to that thought of, why is this happening to me? I've just been through this massive ordeal and we're going to the next thing!”
“And all I wanted to do was get to my boy. I still hadn't even held him in a way that I wanted to hold him, that I could remember fully.”
“It wasn't until probably 30 hours later that I had my catheter and everything was removed and my husband had to shower me. I could barely move. And I remember the nurse was like, ‘Yeah, you're going to see your baby today.’ And I was like, ‘great, take me to him right now.’ She's like, ‘no, you've got to have a shower first.’ I felt like stuff the shower! I don't care about the shower. I just want to see my baby. But I had a shower first and then got wheeled over in the wheelchair to see him.”
“I laugh at it now because obviously in special care nursery, I feel like a lot of the babies in there are tiny little preemies. My first thought was, ‘oh, yeah, that one's mine, the giant in the corner.’ He did not look like he belonged in there.”
“But the nurses and midwives in special care were nothing short of incredible. And I don't want to cry, but I never asked for photos. And I'm someone, if anyone that knows me personally, I love photos and I take them at any opportunity. But when I was in there, it wasn't even at the front of my mind. But they just took my phone and just took photos and they were like, ‘first family photo’. And it was just... I'm so thankful because I wouldn't have those memories if it wasn't for them.”
“I think they must have known how crap my birth was because they were so kind to me and encouraged me to rest when I could and not to be too hard on myself. And yeah, that was beautiful.”
“I think that's what was really hard, was those absolute parallels. As crap as the experience was, the nursing staff and midwives were, I cannot fault them. They were just perfect. And then my theatre experience was just the complete polar opposite.”
“He spent another, I think, five days in total in there.”
“Since reading his notes, I figured out he had a single pneumothorax, so one of his lungs had actually collapsed shortly after birth. He just had everything going on within the incubator, and I can't actually remember everything. It was just a massive blur, but I just knew as a nurse, we weren't getting out of there anytime soon.”
“I think if any other nurses or midwives or anyone are listening, you just can't switch off when you're in that environment. You just feel like you're at work and you know a little bit too much. And I think that really adds to the trauma.”
On top of this, Dayna also needed help getting her milk to come in. “It took about five days to come in. I think we got to day four and they said, ‘nothing's happening. We should probably trial some medication.’ So I was offered domperidone and my milk came in the next day, but that was also the day we were going home. So all the hormones, everything was hitting me!”
“I was very teary. But I also think that was a lot of my birth trauma coming to the surface as well. But a lot of the midwives were like, ‘these hormones are all part of it’. But I think it was a bit more than that. But sadly, no one had picked up on that at the time.”
“I do remember my obstetrician fighting for me to try and stay another night, and I feel like I really, really needed that.” Unfortunately, due to the closure of a maternity ward at another local hospital, the maternity ward was full.
“I was very fortunate to have what I did. But I just feel like I was yearning for that extra support because I was scared to go home because I knew that I felt like deep down, I feel like I knew what was coming.”
“I’ve got a very white shower and it produces a shadow and just not recognising my body in the shadow as well, that really got to me. And I remember just sobbing in the shower...”
“I think it was within the first few days. I remember popping him down for a nap and just going into his nursery. So we had him in our room, he was in the bassinet, and then I walked to his nursery and just fell to my knees and hysterically cried and cried and cried.”
“My husband just helped me and I think he was a bit like, ‘what's going on?’ I remember just saying to him, ‘I was so traumatised, I was traumatised.’ I didn't even know how to explain it other than saying that at the time.”
“I do remember we started to debrief about what had happened and I thought, did I imagine half the stuff that happened? You start second-guessing everything! And then I remember my husband was there the whole time and he was completely with it. And he really validated that some people were quite rude and didn't see me like a human. And it was nice to talk about it and know that I wasn't imagining it and going insane.”
“It was a tough first few days, that's for sure. But no, it didn't end there. It kept getting worse.”
“I remember the maternal child health nurse came. I can't remember what day it was. It was within the first two weeks and it really hit home and she was like, ‘how was the birth?’ And all I could do was just cry and cry and cry. I couldn't even get any words out.”
“I think it was very much passed off as baby blues. And like, ‘oh, just give it a few more weeks, see if you still feel like this, and then we'll look into it.’ But I knew in that moment that I needed help, but I didn't know any different and I didn't know how to ask for it.”
“I just felt stuck in this world of I'm so traumatised now, I have this newborn to look after and I'm recovering from a horrific emergency C-section and my boobs are huge and everything's just crazy! And the hormones as well, I was not expecting that hormone drop. I think that really exaggerated everything as well, which was insane.”
”I remember being in the shower sometimes and the shower we've got where the light sits, it produces... I've got a very white shower and it produces a shadow and just not recognising my body in the shadow as well, that really got to me. And I remember just sobbing in the shower.”
“And I'm sure not everyone feels like this after giving birth. Why is it, again, why has it happened to me? Why is this my story?”
“I completely lost myself. I didn't know who I was. And it was, I guess, a year long journey of trying to rediscover who I was, but also embrace that new identity of being a mum and trying to balance it with all the birth trauma as well.”
“Whenever Bubs would latch, I would have that real impending doom or I felt like someone was going to come and hurt me and my baby or the world was going to end. And it was a really, really scary feeling...”
Dayna’s breastfeeding experience unfortunately complicated an already complicated situation. “For me, breastfeeding, I found it really painful in the beginning and didn't enjoy it much, but I wanted to continue on because I felt like it was the only thing I did have control over when I felt like - I know I didn't fail, but I felt like my body had failed me in labour and birth, that I felt like this is something I can control and I can make happen and my baby is going to benefit from it.”
“But as well as the pain, and I didn't find this out until several months down the track, I had dysphoric milk ejection reflex (D-MER), where whenever Bubs would latch, I would have that real impending doom or I felt like someone was going to come and hurt me and my baby or the world was going to end. And it was a really, really scary feeling. Or I just felt really sad whenever he would latch and I'd have that letdown reflex.”
“That, mixed with the birth trauma - I just wanted to give up breastfeeding, but I pushed through, which was crazy when I think about it because I just don't know how I did it.”
“But I wouldn't get the feeling when I pumped. So I would try and time his feed ahead of time. So I would pump my breast milk and then I would feed him the breast milk in a bottle and then do the whole eat-sleep-play routine. And then I would pump ahead of time or I would breastfeed when I felt like I was up to it.”
“And then we also did a bit of mixed feeding in between to break it up a bit. So I was triple feeding in a way, like I was breastfeeding, pumping and doing formula.”
“It was just stupid.”
“I remember maternal child health nurse going, ‘that's a lot. Are you sure you really want to be doing that?’ I just felt like I had to because I wanted to prove that I could not fail my own child, and I wanted to give him the best that I could.”
“I've set myself a goal of if I do it for six months, then I'm proud of myself. But we made it to 10 months in the end. The D-MER didn't last forever. It lasted maybe the first three to four months, and then that feeling eventually went away, which was amazing because then I felt like I could actually really enjoy breastfeeding.”
“And I did get to the point of loving it. It was just really hard to get through those first few months.”
“I continued pumping until he was about one. But my supply just died right off after then. So I waited until I was getting next to nothing and just was like, okay, I think it's time to let it go. But I didn't know there was another hormone drop after you finish feeding. So then that set me on another little spiral later down the track.”
“It sounds horrible, but I didn’t want to have visitors or have friends over because I was, again, feeling like a failure as a mum because he had this horrible rash...”
Things only escalated with her son’s allergies. “Before he went home from the hospital, he had a few little spots on his body and a few midwives are like, ‘oh, what's that?’ And a few other midwives were like, ‘oh, that's nothing. That's just newborn rash.’”
“Then as I continued feeding, I watched the rash climb up his body and then it reached his face. And once it got to the face, it exploded. And then it crept up into his hairline and the rash would weep and go crusty.”
“So everyone was saying, ‘oh, he's just got really, really, really bad cradle cap’ and ‘it's just really bad newborn rash.’ But I was like, no, no, I've watched this rash. It's just not right.”
“And it sounds horrible, but I didn't want to have visitors or have friends over because I was, again, feeling like a failure as a mum because he had this horrible rash. And I've seen my other friend's newborns and they didn't look like this. And I'm like, again, why is this happening to me?”
“I do remember asking my GP at the first appointment, ‘could it be something I'm eating that he's getting through my breast milk?’ It was very quickly passed off as, ‘no, probably not.’”
“It was actually a friend of mine that suggested, could it be cow's milk protein allergy? So I started going down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out if babies with cow's milk protein allergy could have the rash that he had, because I think commonly it's more that refluxy picture and not sleeping, which he wasn't sleeping. And now that I think back, he probably had that really silent reflux and the vomiting. But other than the rash, you probably wouldn't have picked up on it.”
“But my GP actually called me a few days later and she's like, ‘Oh, I've been thinking, it might be cow's milk protein allergy.’”
“Which I appreciate it. Not that I'm a doctor, but I can appreciate that we all can think back and we've made mistakes and we're probably wrong. So I appreciated her changing her mind and making a suggestion.”
So from four weeks postpartum, Dayna had to eliminate allergens from her diet to test whether her son’s rash was in fact cow’s milk protein allergy. “I went completely cold turkey on dairy and soy. I've since found out I'm no longer celiac, but at the time, I believed I was. I was already eating gluten free. I've got a severe nut allergy, so it was gluten free, nut free, and then suddenly I was dairy free and soy free, so my diet was next to nothing.”
“But within two weeks of that, his rash had completely cleared up. All his symptoms had resolved and he actually started sleeping through the night at six weeks old. And I was like, ‘oh, it's amazing.’ It didn't last forever, obviously, but It was a huge change from how he was sleeping when he was having that dairy intake. So that was such a relief to get that sorted.”
“Because we were doing mixed feeding, I had to go search for a really good dairy-free, soy-free formula. And that was so expensive.”
“I was lucky we were only doing maybe one or two formula bottles a day, so we made it last a bit longer, but still didn't make it any easier because some days you'd go into the store and they'd be completely sold out of the the one you need. And then you're going on this goose chase trying to find one in stock somewhere because they don't stock it everywhere.”
“It was hard trying to switch my mindset to always having to be dairy-free, and you just don't realise how much of that's in everyday food that you eat. When you're so used to eating it. He eventually grew out of it, thankfully, but it took us between six to eight months to get that resolved.”
“Aside from all the breastfeeding issues, I had some body issues with post-birth trauma. I was having a lot of hip and groin issues, which no one can give me answers for what that's about because I didn't have these issues in pregnancy or before Bubs, it's just after the birth.”
“They're better now, but still there. So it's like this really snappy groin pain when I run or go to make a quick exaggerated movement.”
“That pain in the scar for me didn't go away, I reckon until he was at least a year old. So I was trying to figure out that. It was just a mess.”
“And I had a four-finger-wide abdominal separation and I was told not to exercise until that was closed together a bit, which I didn't get it down to about a centimetre and a half until I was maybe between 12 and 15 months postpartum. So it was really hard to not be able to exercise and feel like me again and do the things that I used to do.”
“Even today, he's almost two and I still don't feel like my body will ever be what it used to be, sadly. But I'm also thankful that we're both alive. And we've been told by several people that we probably wouldn't be here today if it ended in, I guess, a natural delivery.”
“And I'm so grateful for my other friends and everything going through positive experiences and recovering really quickly and returning back to somewhat. It'll never be normal, but you just compare your experience and it's that constant question of, why has this happened to me? When do I get to be that person?”
“I would constantly be reliving the whole experience. And it would be so vivid, too. I could see everything, I could hear everyone’s voices. I was reliving the whole situation again...”
“My poor husband has seen me cry, I think more in the last almost two years than I have our entire relationship. I'd always cry to him and different things would set me off.”
“I would constantly be reliving the whole experience. And it would be so vivid, too. I could see everything, I could hear everyone's voices. I was reliving the whole situation again. And it was terrifying.”
“I remember talking to my psychologist and she was like, ‘when do you think about it the most?’ And I said, ‘it's whenever he goes down for a nap or goes to bed at night, because that's the time I get to think about it.’”
“I even remember one night getting up to Bubs and he was like four in the morning. And again, you had the flashbacks all night. And then I get up to him and it's lonely when it's just you up in the middle of the night in the dark, and I just hysterically cried on the couch as I breastfed, and my husband came out, just sat with me and held me. It felt like you couldn't escape it, even if you wanted to sleep. You were reliving it again, and it wasn't fun.”
“A big thing, aside from the PTSD, I had massive hypervigilance around my boy. I hated anyone holding him, whether it was my own mum, my husband's mum, anyone holding him just set me off big time. But I would hold it together. And if you looked at me, it wouldn't look like I was having a panic attack, but internally I was dying.”
“Because in my mind, I think the way I interpret it is, I feel like someone's going to take him away from me again. And I just I didn't want him out of my sight.”
“I do remember I went to a family event and my auntie was holding him so I could eat some food, but I just couldn't relax enough to eat. I was just watching him and she didn't walk very far from me, but just the fact that she walked away, I just went into a spiral and I went straight up to her and I asked for him back.”
“I was shocked to get the response of, ‘oh, but he's fine’. I was just like, ‘give him back’. And then I was like, ‘he just needs a feed and a change’. So then I excused myself and went into the bathroom. But I wasn't going to do that. I was having a panic attack in the bathroom and crying. And I didn't want my family to see me like that either.”
“It was probably the worst part of it all, the separation… I'm a lot better now, but he's always at the back of your mind. I know he's fine, but when he was really little, I couldn't bear anyone to look after him. I don't think he was looked after by our parents until he was almost one. Or if it was, it was only for an hour or two. Tthings like childcare, I couldn't do it. I couldn't. He still hasn't been to daycare, but I just cannot yet. And I think that's because of the birth trauma.”
“I just can't bring myself to do it because I just feel like something bad is going to happen and it just relates back to his birth.”
“I remember actually his first smile. So when they're starting to come out of that really sleepy newborn stage and I remember he smiled at me. It was really early, it was like four weeks, so not that long, but still. And the first thought was, oh, my God, I have been so I caught up in this trauma that I haven't even focused on the little details or felt like I'd absorbed that precious time that is just so short. And I just feel like I don't really remember it and it breaks my heart because you want to take in that time with your baby.”
“And yeah, just when his personality was starting to come out, I'm like, oh, my God, I missed it. Not what was wrong with me, but how did I miss that? But when you're just so caught up in that trauma, it takes over every part of your being and you just get by. You're just in survival mode the whole time.”
”You go through pregnancy, you envision giving birth and having that instant oxytocin rush and having that golden hour and all these special moments. And then you want to be in the hospital room and welcome visitors into your space and have that special bonding moment. But for me, I got none of that and I crave that still to this day.”
“Hopefully I'll get it one day. But you do miss those things that you don't get… But I also didn't want anyone in my space. I just wanted to be alone to grieve through everything.”
“It's tricky missing those special moments you want to get. I think that's a scary part. No one tells you what can go wrong or how to go through those emotions If things do go wrong, you just expected to, ‘well, this is what women do.’ So continue on kind of thing.”
“I didn’t know how to bring that up to my husband or people around me without making them worry, so I didn’t say anything...”
“I was a shell of a person, probably for the first six months. We had obviously all the breastfeeding issues, cow's milk protein allergy, I'm practically eating nothing. And all the birth trauma, I don't really know how I survived it.”
“I couldn't go to an appointment without hysterically crying. And that's not normal for me. If I was upset, I'm very good at hiding it and holding it together and crying later. The fact that I just could not control crying. And my husband, I just remember having his hand on my back and just with a touch, letting me know that he was there and supported me and stuff. But I knew I needed help at that point in time. I just didn't know where to go either, because like you said, no one really tells you where to go, even though in the back of my mind as a nurse, I should know this stuff. But I'm not in that headspace, in that postpartum world.”
“I do remember thinking at one point I wanted to go to the mums and bubs unit, but I didn't know how to bring that up to my husband or people around me without making them worry, so I didn't say anything.”
“But I think being a nurse, I knew that would have been really beneficial for me, but I just pushed through and just sucked it up and pretended like nothing was wrong. And yeah, I continued on the best I could.”
“I remember going to one of my maternal child health appointments. I had a different nurse this time, but she was lovely. It was where you get to fill out the mental health form and I filled mine out. The first thing she said was, ‘I'm really worried about you,’ and I broke down.”
“She's like, ‘look, I'll call you tomorrow and we'll see how you're going, but I think I should refer you on to somebody.’ She gave me a list of ones she could refer me to.”
“And I picked one because it was closest to home.”
“I'm someone that wants to speak to someone, one-on-one. You want that connection. And they had a six month, roughly, waiting list.”
“There's some mothers out there that can't wait six months. It's too late for them. Something needs to be done. And I know that's only just one place.”
“I've seen stories on the news and you just go, ‘where was the support for that mum?’ Because it's not a joke. It's so serious.”
“I got to the end of that six months, waiting, and they called me and said they've actually closed down the one that's closest to you, but we've got availability in Melbourne, which was a one hour commute for me. And I'm like, ‘I can't commute one hour.’”
“I was fortunate enough to get onto my GP and explain to her what the situation was. And we wrote a letter to Raphael Services, and they thankfully got me in within four weeks. I think they tried to rush me in. But I'm so thankful I did get in.”
“So, yeah, went there and they were incredible.”
“I didn't know about the D-MER until we just got talking and I told her about my symptoms. She's like, ‘that's actually a thing!’”
“She explained the name of it and it happens when, I think she said, the saliva mixes with the let down reflex.”
“And then I remember talking to my best friend about it and she's the only other person I know that actually experienced it as well. So it was nice to actually know someone that also knows what that felt like, but I haven't met anyone else that's been through it. So it was quite rare from what I've heard. It's nice to know I wasn't crazy, it's an actual condition.”
“I was discharged around just after he turned one. So it wasn't that long that I was there for, but it made such a huge impact. And they told me I'm very much welcome if I ever need to come back. And if it comes to having another baby, don't hesitate to come back, thing. So they were wonderful.”
“I'm really thankful to [the maternal child nurse] because she was worried about me that she called me the next day just to make sure I was still there, which I appreciate. And I guess if it wasn't for her giving me that nudge, I don't know if I would have seek the help I needed, even though I knew that I needed it. So I'm lucky that she did pick up on it.”
“I feel like I got a lot of therapy out of talking to friends that would allow me to, I guess, hold that space for me to just let it all out. And my mother's group, where I was so lucky. I got such a beautiful mother's group. And yeah, I don't know if I would be here today if it wasn't, I guess, for those early support networks, and not everyone gets that. So I think I'm just one of the lucky ones.”
“I could feel that change in myself to have someone else see it, too, or I guess validate that they could see that change was really nice...”
For Birth Trauma Awareness Week 2024, Dayna shared these poignant words: “It took 12 months of letting the trauma consume my life every day before I decided to trial medication. And this has saved my life and my motherhood journey” (check out the full post here).
She reflects on these words now.
“That makes me cry, but it's true.”
“I was very much, I don't know if against is the right word, but I really wanted to avoid it if I could. And I was determined to get through it without it. But I think when I stopped pumping around Bubs turning one, that was that hormone drop. And I think that sent me into a bit of a spiral.”
“And I think the whole resentment to your partner that they can just walk out the door and do whatever they want and you're still breastfeeding and everything, plus the hormone drop and just everything boiled up at once. And I think we started fighting and there was a bit of I guess, mum rage coming out. And I just felt lost as a person and forgotten about, not heard, not respected.”
“I think I actually listened to one of your podcasts a while ago and another mum had used the analogy that she was like a lolly rapper, I think she said. And when you're pregnant, you're this beautiful lolly that everyone appreciates and says you're amazing. And then you have the baby and the baby is the lolly inside and the mum's the rapper that's thrown in the bin and forgotten about. And that really stuck with me in my early postpartum because that's exactly how I felt. I just felt forgotten about that it was all about bubs, which I get, but I often wonder why isn't the attention put on the mum? Because they go through so much.”
“So I feel like all of those feelings really accumulated and got to a boiling point. And I think I just went to my GP and I said, ‘I think I need to trial some medication.’”
“Even she wanted to put it off a bit and was like, ‘oh, how long have you been feeling like this?’ And she thought it was maybe a couple of weeks. And then I talked more and more about it. She's like, ‘no, this isn't a couple of weeks. This is since the birth. I think maybe going on some medication is a good idea.’”
“So, yeah, we tried some medication. And to my surprise, it actually kicked in immediately. I thought maybe it was a bit of a placebo effect, but I remember my first thought was, ‘oh, is this how normal people feel?’”
“You know that feeling as a mum, you still have it all the time, but you've got like a hundred tabs open in your brain? And it was... There's still a lot of tabs open, but it was far less. And it sounds silly, but the first thing I felt was easy was unstacking and stacking the dishwasher. I felt I couldn’t do that with all the mess in my brain. I would try and do a task, something as simple as that, and just think, that's too hard. I can't do it. I've got too much going on in my brain.”
“And it was the first time me and my husband could actually, I guess, sit down and have a calm conversation about everything without having a screaming match or it turning into a fight. And I think that's when I first realised, it's not to say it is me, but I think a lot of the fights was stewing from me and all my birth trauma. And the only way I could get it out was through yelling and screaming And the medication helped, I guess, mellow that out a bit.”
“And it was a good time to go on it, too, because I was due to go back to work and it frustrated me because I was just starting to feel like me again a little bit, and I could start to enjoy motherhood, and then I’m just, boom, thrown back into the workforce. But it was a good time to have that medication because returning to a hospital scared me so much. Like, completely different hospital to where I gave birth, but that fear was there.”
“I remember speaking to my boss and he was incredibly supportive and he'd heard through through the grapevine that I didn't have a great experience. And he just said, ‘we're here to support you and we'll do what we can.’ And I feel very lucky to have a workplace that just gets it because I was very scared to return.”
“That medication helped that anxiety of returning to work, definitely. I don't know if I would have returned to work if I didn't go on medication. But no, once it kicked in, I feel like I could enjoy being a mum and see the... I could still see the beauty in it, but not as clearly as I could once I got on medication.”
“It definitely saved my life.”
“Even my psychologist, I think I saw her not long after starting the medication. And that was actually when she discharged me because she's like, ‘I can see such a big change in you just from the medication that I'm happy that you'll be okay… if you need it, you can always come back.’”
“So for her to even say that she noticed a change and she barely knows me was, I feel like, huge for me. So, yeah, I could feel that change in myself to have someone else see it, too, or I guess validate that they could see that change was really nice.”
“I wanted it to be known that the way I was treated wasn’t okay. And I think it did more trauma for me working in that space because I wouldn’t dare treat a patient like that...”
“I think I might have hit the four month mark and I realised, no, I need to write a complaint. And I had the support of everyone around me to do it.”
“Once I did see the psychologist, she encouraged me as well and said this isn't a normal experience. And it's quite, what's the word? Dehumanising was the word she used a lot, which validated how I felt.”
“I think I spent the better part of eight to maybe nine-ten months writing the complaint. I really took my time with it and I think I sent it to everyone I know just to read it to see. I think I wanted that validation that I had written it properly.”
“It was about 12 pages long. Just got all my emotions out in a professional way and I wanted it to be known that the way I was treated wasn't okay. And I think it did more trauma for me working in that space because I wouldn't dare treat a patient like that. And I think I wanted to create a bit of change so that other mums don't have to go through what I did.”
“I do know they've implemented some changes because I've had a friend that birthed at the same hospital and it warms my heart to know that she was offered debriefing, everything in mental health support, within hours of her birth, where I never got any of that.”
“And I feel like that might have been implemented because of what I experienced. So it's nice to know that that's now happening.”
“I think they've implemented more mental health support post-birth and more like birth plan awareness. I think they've now created a document at the start that really breaks down your birth plan and things you really want to have because I feel like mine wasn't read or appreciated to the degree it needed to be.”
“And I think they've also created some other document around that mental health support, which I think is great, that they actually implemented some changes as a result.”
“The only sad part was the anaesthetist. I just wanted a written apology from him, and I got one, but it felt very gaslighting. Not that I wanted to face him face-to-face, but I know that their lawyers tell them to write things in a specific way. But I think sometimes as a mum, when you go through that, you just need that validation that they've done wrong and you want a genuine apology to heal yourself. But the apology was very much ‘I've done nothing wrong. You should be thankful that your baby's alive and you're alive.’”
“And that was the outcome of the apology, which didn't really touch on anything I wanted in the apology. It was more the bedside manner and the way he spoke to me and ignored me and disregarded the dystonic reaction and everything. So to have that not even acknowledged in the apology letter and ‘just be thankful that you've got a baby that's alive and healthy’, which made me laugh because he was in special care for five days. Yes, he was alive, but I wouldn't call him the healthiest newborn. So that was just disappointing.”
“But then at the same time, when I received that apology, I'd actually seen my obstetrician for something else. And he spoke to me as a friend and said, ‘I've spoken to him in the hospital and I just don't think you're going to get the apology that you're searching for and not to let that get to you too much.’ And that hit home. And I appreciate him saying that to me, but it made me realise that it doesn't matter how hard I push this apology, I'm never going to achieve it.”
“And I had to be, I guess, okay with that in myself. And I've asked the hospital - because I intend to obviously have more babies there in the future - I just don't ever want to be his care ever again. So they have apparently popped a flag on my file so that he won't be in my care again. So, yeah, I think that's the outcome of it. So there's some positives to take from it and some negatives.”
“But it was hard reliving that and writing that because every time I sent it to a friend to read, I would read it again, but I would be reliving and crying through it. And I think even when I gave it to my husband to read, and watching him cry broke my heart because he's not a crier. He holds it together pretty well. He's my rock. So seeing it upset him, because he was the person that experienced it with me, yeah, it was tough.”
“But I'm glad I did it because I found it really, I guess it's the word cathartic, where you write something down and it's really therapeutic to just get all your emotions and feelings out.”
“So, yeah, I'm thankful I did it. I needed to do it. And yeah, it was a bit of a full circle, even though I didn't love that apology. It's I felt like I got it out of the way and I felt like I needed to do that.”
“I always think like aside from the anaesthetist and the recovery nurse situation, the birth was always going to, given his size, it was going to be crap regardless. But if you had that care and bedside manner and if you were treated the way how I would treat the patient, how different the experience would have been. I don't think I would have been as traumatised. Still traumatised, but it would have been dulled down a bit.”
“And I've had a few procedures since where I've had to return to that hospital setting. And I've had the most beautiful anaesthetists and positive experiences. So it's nice to know that that care does exist still. But yeah, it'll live with me forever, sadly.”
“Not that you wish that experience on anyone else, but you want someone to turn to that just gets it...”
“There's still that element of loneliness, I guess, in the air, and I had my husband there. But I think in those times where even if we had a fight or the rage would come out, I was so lonely because you can explain to them to a degree what it feels like and what it's like. But unless you've been through it, it's really hard to understand or validate those experiences to a degree.”
“So sometimes when I wanted to talk to my husband, and although he would say all the things that were technically right, it's just hard to feel like he fully understood what I went through and what it feels like today, even still today now.”
“Not that I wanted to let my parents down, but I didn't tell my parents I had a traumatic birth until he was about four months old and trying to hold space for that, too. I just felt lonely. But my mum surprised me. She told me that she found her birth quite traumatic as well. And I just thought, wow, that made me feel less lonely.”
“But it's weird how they don't express those things to you before you have kids. I had some friends that... I was lucky. I had so many friends that had babies around the same time. So I didn't feel alone in raising our babies together at the same time. But I didn't have anyone else that had a birth that was similar or anywhere close to being similar. So that just felt really lonely.”
“When you did have those flashbacks and everything, it just felt like you had no where to turn to. But you wanted someone that had, not that you wish that experience on anyone else, but you want someone to turn to that just gets it.”
“And I think that's where I found your podcasts. And I would go for walks, try and get bubs to sleep in the pram, and they definitely made me feel less alone. And I would listen to them every day until I went through all of them. And then I'd be hanging out for the next one to come out just because, yeah, they were some of the things that got me through.”
“Not that you want to listen to bad experiences either, but it just, yeah, that really helped the loneliness of what I went through.”
“And I hope that even my podcast today can help another mum that's feeling exactly the same because I needed it in those times.”
“I think even in today's day and age, I'm surprised and shocked that the mum isn’t looked at more. I think that's what the whole thing in general shocked me.”
“Any friends that have babies now, I think the first thing I'm asking them is, ‘how are you? Was your birth experience okay? Are you recovering okay? Do you need anything yet? Even if it's a coffee dropped at your door.’ Yeah, Bubs is taken care of by mum, but who's taking care of mum?”
“I think it's so important, especially if there's any trauma.”
“I'm sure there's mums out there that don't even want to express or share that they've been through something really scary and holding them, if they don't want to express it, just know that you're holding space for them and you're there for them and definitely needs to be emphasised more.”
“I feel like I was experiencing the complete worst time of my life, but also the best time of my life. And just having those two clash. That’s just so hard to describe...”
After sharing her story, Dayna reflects fondly on the relationship she has with her son. “I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones in that aspect because he, I don't know, it sounds weird, but when we were pregnant, I felt like I had a strong connection and bond with him, even though I didn't even know him yet.”
“And I don't know, I feel like the trauma made me want to have a stronger relationship with him. And since he was four weeks old, he started smiling. He's been the happiest, cheekiest thing ever. And that has just... And he's a real snuggle bug. Even now, he still falls asleep on my chest like a newborn and he's massive! But it was what I needed in that time.”
“Yeah, he really healed my soul.”
“I would rock him to sleep and I had a labour playlist that I loved and I found that really healing putting that playlist on, rocking him to sleep and having him smile at me or even when we were breastfeeding and they start popping their hands in your mouth. And that was just - it was just magic for me. And I found that really healing.”
“And I don't know how it would have gone if I was one of those mums that don't have that initial connection. I was just really lucky that we did. But yeah, I feel for the mums that don't have that. I needed that to get through it. He was my motivation and my will. And I just, yeah, I wanted to get better for him. And he was also my motivation to stay in this, I guess, when you're going through it all and you don't want to be here and you have those thoughts. It always came back to him and I was never going to leave him.”
“I remember my GP asking me early on as well, ‘how's the relationship?’ And it was the only time I could say that anything was good through the whole experience. So I think, there was that parallel of the trauma. And then I think I described it to someone else. I feel like I was experiencing the complete worst time of my life, but also the best time of my life. And just having those two clash. That's just so hard to describe, but I was just so happy when I was around him, but an absolute mess when I'd go to sleep at night and balancing the two was really, really tricky.”
“‘Your experience, trauma, and how you feel is completely valid. It’s healthy to talk about it and generate conversation so others know they are not alone. It’s okay to reach out for help, and it’s okay to struggle after what you’ve experienced.’ I think I wish someone had told me that early on...”
Dayna’s advice from Birth Trauma Awareness Week 2024 still rings true: “your experience, trauma, and how you feel is completely valid. It's healthy to talk about it and generate conversation so others know they are not alone. It's okay to reach out for help, and it's okay to struggle after what you've experienced.”
“I think I wish someone had told me that early on. So I hope another mum can take away from that and feel less lonely. And if they're thinking about reaching out for help, It's okay. You can do that. You can be vulnerable and everyone's out there to help you. You don't need to suck it up and continue on. It's okay to reach out.”
“And yeah, I also want to thank you for creating this podcast because I needed it when I was lost and alone.”
Listen to the full episode:
Episode Sponsor
This episode of Perinatal Stories Australia is proudly sponsored by Mums Matter Psychology—because your mental health matters.
Frances and her expert team of psychologists, social workers, and occupational therapists are passionate about providing affordable, high-quality mental health care for pregnant women and parents with children up to 4 years old.
Through Medicare bulk-billed therapy sessions—up to 20 at no cost to you—they make support accessible to everyone. If you’re in Victoria, visit one of their welcoming clinic locations. Outside Victoria? Their nationwide Telehealth services bring care to your fingertips.
Mums Matter Psychology also offers a range of online therapy groups and webinars, providing additional ways to access support and connect with others on a similar journey.
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