09 | Jade
“I think that’s honestly one of the hardest parts, to look back on it all, and say what if? What if the first time I reached out for help they said ‘do you have bipolar in your family?’ and it went down this completely different path? That’s something that’s really hard for me to think about because it’s been really, really hard...”
In this episode, I welcome Jade who shares her ongoing journey with mental ill health - a journey which is both three years old but new at the same time. After the birth of her son and the subsequent sleep deprivation, Jade’s mental health declined and she was (mis)diagnosed with postpartum depression.
Despite proactively and consistently seeking support from several psychologists and trying multiple anti-depressants across three years, Jade was still experiencing depressive episodes while all the mothers in her online community were in the enviable stages of recovery.
Thanks to the persistence of a very supportive friend, Jade finally connected with a perinatal psychiatrist. Within 15 minutes of that first appointment, Jade received the correct diagnosis which came with a whole new treatment plan, a referral to the perfect psychologist (finally!), and of course a whole lot of grief.
When I first created my Instagram account, Jade shared my story on her page and I’m honoured to return the favour by holding space for her journey now. You can connect with Jade on Instagram @postpartum.jade or via her blog. This isn’t an episode to miss.
“Becoming a mum hit me pretty hard - that was my first experience with mental illness.”
“I was sort of in that love bubble for the first few months, and whatever I was experiencing wasn’t enough to make me think that there was something wrong.”
“I think you’re fuelled with adrenaline, it wasn’t until the sleep deprivation kicked in that my mental health really went downhill… and I think for a lot of women, it’s hard to differentiate the symptoms of sleep deprivation and depression or anxiety because they’re very similar.”
“That was very much the case for me - with the doctors and nurses and midwives, the appointments that you have postpartum - I’d explain what I was going through and it was all very much that’s normal, hormone changes, it’s all very normal.“
“But I knew pretty early on that there was something - something a bit abnormal - but it took a long time to get the right diagnosis.”
“I think for me anxiety was the first illness I experienced because I’d have an awful all-consuming anxiety - especially about Oscar’s sleep.”
Unfortunately, Jade’s son struggled with day and night confusion. “It’s not like I could sleep very much during the day, that was another sign too. I couldn’t calm myself down enough to sleep, you know when they say sleep when the baby sleeps? - I couldn’t do that.”
“So I did struggle with insomnia”
“Then Oscar’s sleep started getting really bad. Even when he was going to sleep at night, he was waking up all the time, and you just can’t cope when your baby’s waking up all the time! Like I said, when he would go to sleep, I just couldn’t go back to sleep and that was really hard.”
“You just want sleep so desperately.”
“We tried so many different things and nothing was working, and so then you start thinking ok there’s something wrong with my baby, there’s some kind of medical issue. We went to so many different doctors and meetings with the child health nurse and everything."
Jade really struggled with the recommendations from health providers to seek sleep settling support due to the element of crying involved. “That was actually quite triggering for me… I just could not handle more crying above the normal level. So I was really stuck for a long time.”
“As the sleep got worse and worse, my mental health got worse and worse, and I think it was about six months postpartum that I really came to the realisation that this wasn’t it! I was hating being a mother and dreading every single day waking up, especially in the evening, I’d just get this feeling of dread like here we go again! It was a lot.”
“Previously, I just kept shrugging it off being like no, I’m fine. I’m just tired - that’s all!”
“You do just expect to feel so happy as a mother and I just wasn’t. I felt like I had to put this smile on and be like yeah, this is the best! and post all happy pictures of you and your baby, but really I was struggling so much.”
“I can’t remember exactly what it was - I think I was just being curious, I was always Googling stuff - but I’d heard someone mention when they were struggling reaching out to PANDA [Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia] and so I went to their website, and they’ve got a checklist and I started going through it - and I was ticking almost every single box.”
The results of the checklist indicated Jade may have anxiety and depression, so she pressed the call-back option for a representative to ring her. “When they did call me back, I remember just crying and crying. For the first time, with all the things I’d been struggling with, I felt so validated… she really normalised that experience for me.”
The recommendation from PANDA was for Jade to visit her GP and go on a mental health plan. “I was all for that! I’ve grown up in a family with lots of mental illness so I didn’t feel ashamed if I had depression or anxiety, that wasn’t an issue for me. I was very proactive about getting help, I really wanted to get on top of it.”
At the GP, Jade was referred to a psychologist and provided a script for anti-depressants. “I guess I didn’t have much thought into that, I just trusted him.” In hindsight, Jade reflects on this interaction with the GP. “There was not many questions at all. I think they asked is there depression in your family? and I said my mum. My mum struggled with depression and that was it. There actually was no asking if there was bipolar in the family. And I wish that I’d just said it! But I didn’t actually think it was connected in some weird way… you know, you compare yourself, and I have 2 brothers who have bipolar so I’ve seen what they’ve been through and I was like that’s nothing like my experience so I don’t have that.”
“Looking back, I was having these real big ups and downs. My depression wasn’t constant… so I was diagnosed with postnatal depression but when I hear other people’s stories of postnatal depression - mine didn’t look like that. I definitely did experience depression, but it would be a week of feeling depressed and then I was ok again.”
“I had heard that there were two different types [of bipolar], but I didn’t know what the differences were.”
Jade did not know about hypomania, a characteristic of bipolar II disorder. “That’s where it’s quite hard for some people to realise you have that, I didn’t think I had any kind of mania. Like I mentioned before, I had the anxiety and I think actually a lot of anxiety-like symptoms cross over with hypomania, there’s the insomnia and not being able to sleep. Also, the way it manifested in me was just this extreme irritability.”
“I tried a few diff types of anti-depressants. You’d gradually increase the dose and they’d always ask how do you think it’s going? and I’d say it feels exactly the same, I don’t feel like it’s working. And again that’s where I would compare to other people’s experiences. They’d say once I got on anti-depressants things really lifted for me! and I was like why isn’t it working for me?”
“So it was nearly three years of trying so many different things to get on top of what I thought was anxiety and depression. And it was just going round and round and round, that’s what it felt like.”
“I’d meet with different psychologists - I probably met with like six or seven different psychologists. I did find one at the beginning, I was with her for about 10 months and she was very helpful to a certain point. This is where things start getting complicated for me as well, motherhood sort of brought up some childhood trauma, I don’t like using the word but that’s essentially what it is. It just brought up all this stuff to the surface that I didn’t even realise I had, and I think a lot of women experience that. There’s something about having a baby and their behaviours that trigger these feelings inside of you, so that was also really connected to what I mentioned before with the crying.”
“Crying for me was a massive trigger, it still is. Obviously crying is supposed elicit some kind of discomfort in the mother so the baby gets responded to, but this was next level for me. I’d get a full body reaction, just tensing up. I don’t think I’ve experienced a panic attack but in my mind it’s a similar thing - an anxiety attack - I just feel like everything is shutting down, it’s very, very overwhelming.”
“So there were all these things coming up for me that my psychologist was helping me work through but yeah I got to a point where I just felt like I was just going around in circles, like I’d bring up everything and she’d give me some helpful advice, but then nothing seemed to be resolving and I was still struggling massively. So I thought ok, I’m gonna have a look for someone else.”
“When things weren’t getting better, I was like ok, time to try something else.”
“It would be so easy for me to get complacent and be like this is my life now. Especially when you’re feeling mentally unwell, you’re so drained. But I just knew that there had to be something more. I wasn’t ok with the fact that this is just how my life is gonna be forever now, I didn’t believe that, so I just knew I had to keep trying.”
“It was last year, maybe the middle of last year, that again I was going through a heavy depression. I’d message people and just be like what else, what else can I try? what’s worked for you?“
“The [Instagram] page that I’ve started - a lot of women have shared their stories of overcoming depression and their recovery, and they’d say things like I’ve come out the other side and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And I’m like why, why can’t i get there?”
“I had a few friends say to me seeing a psychiatrist made the biggest difference to me, especially in terms of medication… Honestly, I knew there was a difference but I didn’t realise how much of a difference there was between a psychiatrist and a psychologist… obviously I knew that a psychiatrist was more expensive and harder to get into as well, so they were a few barriers for me not going down that path!”
”So I had a friend that said I have an excellent psychiatrist, she specialises in the perinatal area. So I tried to get in with her, but she wasn’t taking on any new patients. And I was like what do I do now?”
Jade’s friend, however, intervened. “She said my next appointment I’m going to pester her and say ‘my friend really needs help, can you please consider taking her on?’”
“Thankfully she did!”
“It’s made such a big difference seeing this psychiatrist and I wouldn’t have been able to see her if she didn’t speak up for me.”
“When I was eventually able to see the psychiatrist, that’s when everything changed! Because one of the first things she asked me was about the bipolar in my family. And I was like I’ve never considered that and she said well, from what you’ve shared with me I think it’s a very high chance that you have bipolar and that just got stuck in my mind for a long time after that.”
“You know, you think over everything and you think oh yep, that sounds like it - you know, the not being able to sleep and like cleaning my whole house in the middle of the night, like those were the signs of hypomania, just feeling really good, and I’d think I’m getting better. I would have all these great ideas about what I wanted to do for a career and I’d be so motivated and then a couple of days later I’d crash and be really depressed again.”
“So listening to my psychiatrist explain to me bipolar type II, I really resonated with it… so that meant a whole different course of treatment.”
“It’s hard because when I think of ‘recovery’ I’ve always had this image of reaching your goal like yes, I am recovered! But I’ve really had to try to change that expectation because I think especially with bipolar, you’re not just gonna be cured of it, and that’s really hard to come to terms with - especially when you were diagnosed with postnatal depression and anxiety. You’re like yes, there’s an end date for that, I can get through this! And then to hear oh no you’ve got this for the rest of your life… I really felt a huge amount of grief with that and I just cried the whole way home.”
“I think that’s honestly one of the hardest parts, to look back on it all, and say what if? What if?! What if the first time I reached out for help they said do you have bipolar in your family? and it went down this completely different path? That’s something that’s really hard for me to think about because it’s been really, really hard.”
“Seeing my brothers and what they’ve been through - I think having a diagnosis, a label put on you, can feel really good and validating because you can say this is what I’m going through, this makes sense, but then it can also feel like that stigma. There is a lot of negative stigma with bipolar and people do use that term quite flippantly.”
“So while I was really glad to receive that diagnosis, in the back of my mind I’d start thinking what are people really thinking of me? Are they thinking this makes sense, she’s crazy?!”
“After the first few sessions of talking with my psychiatrist, she goes ok I’ve got a feel for what your experiences are like and what struggles you’re having and she’s got this big list of psychologists she can refer you to! And she says I think this one here will be a really good match for you.”
“Like I said before, I’ve seen so many but this one is like the perfect one for me! So I couldn’t have asked for a better psychiatrist and psychologist, they’ve both helped me so much! And it’s not that the other ones haven’t helped me but when you find the right one - she just gets everything and the advice she gives me is so applicable and achievable.”
Prior to receiving the right diagnosis, finding the right health providers, and starting the right medication, Jade looked everywhere for support - Instagram was one of those places.
“When I first started my account @postpartum.jade it was purely because I was struggling and I wanted to connect with other people. I was looking online for support groups and nothing was coming up, and I just made an account to try to make my own support group.”
“It’s honestly made the biggest difference. It’s not that I don’t have people in person to support me, it’s just not the same level, especially if they haven’t been through it themselves. They don’t necessarily know what to say or know how to help in the way that you need help. But then when you connect with all these women whose stories are very similar, it gives you hope and it gives you comfort and it’s just been a very positive experience for me.”
Jade has also recently found a sense of community and purpose in women’s circles. So much so, she is now a facilitator.
“As I mentioned before, I was looking into EVERYTHING - not just the general medication and talk therapy - I was looking into alternative stuff. Yeah I was just looking at everything and then I found what kept coming up was these women’s circles, and I don’t know, it seemed mysterious to me and kind of like alternative and hippie… but my ideas about it were quite wrong, there’s a much deeper meaning, and it’s connection! It’s all about connecting women with each other.”
When Jade saw a free online circle being promoted on Instagram, she signed up. “I thought why not, I’ll give it a try, I’m curious as to what these circles are all about. And I went and I reckon I just cried the whole time. It was like being in this space just gave me the permission to let go - for me that was what I initially felt and it was so powerful.”
“It’s what I’ve been seeking for this whole time.”
“I love the expression to feel held, and that’s what I felt! I just felt like this circle was just wrapping their arms around me and that’s the feeling I’ve needed this whole time, and I just haven’t had it.”
“I just needed that feeling of emotionally being held, and really until going to a circle, I hadn’t felt that.”
“It’s actually really hard to put into words what it feels to be in a circle but when you’re in the circle with other women it’s a very comforting feeling. It’s like this old familiar feeling, and you just feel like in this place I can be myself, I don’t have to put on any kind of façade, and that’s where it’s very different from a mum’s group.”
“We really do need to be able to separate yourself from them [our kids] and to be your own person. And that’s been one of my really big struggles as well, is that I’ve had this idea in my mind that to be a good mum I have to be with him all the time, and have a really strong attachment otherwise I’m gonna mess him up - that’s the narrative I’ve had in my head, and I really lost myself in motherhood.”
“Being able to take time away to have some time on your own and figure out who you are - like there’s that whole matrescence that we go through. I feel like you do become another person, like at your core you’re still the same person but there’s all these layers that fall off and you try to reinvent yourself or figure out who you are now as a mother and I was never putting myself in any situation where I could figure out who I am or even what I like anymore, I feel like I didn’t know who I was or what I liked to do.”
“Yeah, I was really lost and I think these circles give women the opportunity to find yourself again.”
“It also just gives you that permission to feel your feelings, not have to suppress them all the time, and then to be in a group of women we get each other!”
“A circle is not therapy, it’s therapeutic, but it’s no replacement for seeing an actual trained therapist. So it’s a combination of all these things that helps a person feel mentally well - it’s not just medication or talk therapy - it’s your diet, your exercise, your environment, your relationships, and I think that circles really fill that connection and relationship aspect.”
“We all have this spiritual yearning in some way or another, and circles put you in a situation where you can connect with yourself, connect with whatever it is that you believe in. I think often as mothers we don’t get an opportunity, even a moment, to meditate or pray or whatever it is you believe in. We all have that side to us and being in the circle, we can meditate, we can take time to be still, and we need that! We all need that time.”
“Like I’m still gonna struggle, but if I’m somehow filling my cup, it gives you more strength to get through the hard times.”
As a facilitator now, Jade says “I’ve desperately been searching for something else. And I found circles and I was like yes, this is it! I feel it in my heart. This is what I’m gonna do.”
“If I can do this for the rest of my life and have that feeling and help others to have that feeling, it’s not gonna feel like work at all… I feel like that’s gonna be my purpose now and that’s so exciting because my whole life I’ve struggled with like I didn’t have any desire to have a career, I thought my purpose was in being a mother and obviously that is part of my purpose. As upsetting as it is to admit (because I wanted that to just be my whole purpose and to feel so fulfilling), that’s just not what it’s been like for me. I love my son with my whole heart, that goes without saying, but I don’t feel fulfilled just being a mum and nothing else.”
“I specifically wanted to do mother’s circles because of my experience and how much I wanted to connect with other mothers. Especially as a new mother, I wish that I had that. And so I thought if I can do this for someone else, maybe their journey won’t be as difficult as mine was if they have that kind of support from the beginning.”
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